“Two and a Half Men” quotes
(2003)
Chuck Lorre
created this TV Series
in 2003
Title Two and a Half Men
Year 2003
Creators Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
Genre Comedy
Year 2003
Creators Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
Genre Comedy
Plot – Two and a Half Men is an American television sitcom about a hedonistic jingle writer, Charlie Harper, his uptight divorced brother, Alan, and Alan's mischievous son, Jake. The Harper brothers Charlie and Alan are almost opposites. Alan is a compulsively neat chiropractor and control-freak. Charlie is a freelance jingle composer and Cassanova who lives in a luxurious beach-house and rarely gets up before noon. Now Charlie is forced to change his lifestyle when Alan and his son come to live with him. The sitcom revolves around their conflicting lifestyles and raising Jake together.
All actors – Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Conchata Ferrell, Charlie Sheen, Holland Taylor, Ashton Kutcher, Marin Hinkle, Melanie Lynskey, Courtney Thorne-Smith
show all“Two and a Half Men” Quotes 63 quotes
Alan Harper-Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie Harper-It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan Harper-Excuse me?
Charlie Harper-There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room... (continue)(continue reading)“Evelyn Harper-Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan Harper-What was I?
Evelyn Harper-Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
”“Alan Harper-Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie Harper-No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
”“Charlie Harper-Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie Harper-Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie harper-Yeah, like Vegas
”“Walden Schmidt-Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn Harper-With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
”“Dr.Linda Freeman-Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie Harper-Does massage therapy count?
”“Alan Harper-Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie Harper-Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
”“Cynthia Sullivan-Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake Harper-It's called puberty.
Charlie Harper-It's called donuts.
”“Alan Harper-Haven't you read the package?
Charlie Harper-Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
”“Walden Schmidt-You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan Harper-Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden Schmidt-How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan Harper-Years of yoga and loneliness.
”“There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!”
“You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend.”
Highlights
