Joke quotes

“Vivian’s Mom-Don’t keep secrets from me.
Vivian-I’m actually already pregnant.
Vivian’s Mom-That’s a very funny joke. Right?”
Hadley Robinson - Vivian

“Paintings are so passe. I call this a snapshot.”

Nicolas Cage - Grug

“I know that I care, but do enough other people know that I care? ”
Joe Keery - Duke Goolies

“Always hard to find, like love, Waldo, a good Chinese restaurant…”
Danny DeVito - Chesterfield

“The only surprise I like is to not be surprised.”
Wallace Shawn - Mr. Woodley

“-Saul: It’s Kunta Kinte and Ebola.
-Clarence: The famine and Blood Diamond.
-Morris: Nelson Mandela and Winnie.
-Customer: Those hungry babies with flies on their face.
-Clarence: Hey. Woh. Woh. Woh. Woh. That’s too much now. You just stepped over the line now. ”

“Oh that says house appropriations. So close to mouse appropriations.”
Jimmy O. Yang - Dr. Chan Kaifang

“I don’t know if that is a noun, a verb, or an adjective describing my outfit.”
John Malkovich - Dr. Adrian Mallory

“I don’t owe them the fuzz off my peaches.”
Cameron Britton - Hazel

“For a joke to work, it has to have part of truth and part of pain.”
Pedro Alonso - Berlín

“A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies ‘for you, no charge’.”
Jim Parsons - Sheldon Cooper

“I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.”
Jim Parsons - Sheldon Cooper

“I am a horny engineer; I never joke about math or sex.”
Simon Helberg - Howard Wolowitz

“- Chaz: Why don't you tell us something about yourself?
- Nikki: All right, something about myself... I wanna work with handicapped children, and my parents are my best friends. And I start convent school next semester... and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!”
Clayton Rohner - Chaz
Deborah Goodrich - Nikki

“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Korg. I'm kind of like the leader in here. I'm made of rocks, as you can see, but don't let that intimidate you. You don't need to be afraid, unless you're made of scissors! Just a little Rock, Paper, Scissors joke for you.”
Taika Waititi - Korg

“- Melvin Moody: Hey, Shelly. Do you want to go to the movies?
- Shelley: Sure.
- Melvin Moody: Okay, have a good time while you're there.”
Matt Dillon - Moody
Joan Cusack - Shelley

When I was a kid, I was tormented with Polish jokes. Oh, you know, "Who was Poland's Man of the Year?" - Nobody. "How do you sing the Polish National Anthem?" - You don't sing it, you fart it. "How do you tell a Polack's identification?" - By the shit in his wallet.
Dom DeLuise - Marlon Borunki

“Lynda, if this is a joke, I'll kill you!”
Jamie Lee Curtis - Laurie Strode

“- Damien Thorn: Teddy, don't ever talk about my father again. Do you understand?
- Teddy: Can't you take a joke?
- Damien Thorn: Yes.”
Jonathan Scott-Taylor - Damien Thorn
John J. Newcombe - Teddy

“I get paid for what most kids get punished for. ”
Jerry Lewis

“We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.”
Bobby Farrelly

“- Terri: Don't go anywhere.
- Scott: Very funny.”

Kirsten Baker - Terry
Russell Todd - Scott

“- O'Niel: Are you Dr. Lazarus?
- Lazarus: Yes. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. That's a doctor joke.”
Sir Sean Connery - O'Niel
Frances Sternhagen - Lazarus

Don't anyone say "April Fool's" again or I'll rip them apart!
Amy Steel - Kit

“- Dr. David Kibner: Face it, Bellicec, you got some friends who enjoy playing practical jokes.
- Jack Bellicec: I don't have any friends, Dr. Kibner.
- Dr. David Kibner: Then, some enemies.”
Leonard Nimoy - Dr. David Kibner
Jeff Goldblum - Jack Bellicec