Michael Keaton movie quotes

“- Daryl Poynter: What is it with you guys and food?
- Richard Dirks: Addicts are compulsive.”
Michael Keaton - Daryl Poynter
M. Emmet Walsh - Richard Dirks

“- Bill Blazejowski: Chuck, come on, it looks bad in front of the other guys!
- Chuck Lumley: So what am I running for, cell president?
- Bill Blazejowski: No!... they have that?”

Michael Keaton - Bill Blazejowski
Henry Winkler - Chuck Lumley

“- Darryl Poynter: I want you to leave now.
- Lenny: Fuck you.
- Darryl Poynter: Fuck me? Fuck me? No, fuck you asshole! You're in my house now! So you get the fuck out!”
Michael Keaton - Daryl Poynter
Luca Bercovici - Lenny

- Jack McDermott: What about dinner? Who's gonna get us our dinner?
- Billy Caufield: "Who's gonna get us our...". Aren't you the same guy who changed water into wine? Huh? J.C.? Ain't the son of god good for a burger in his town? You get us something!
- Jack McDermott: That's not funny. You're a very disturbed young man.
- Billy Caufield: Man... (continue)(continue reading)
Peter Boyle - Jack McDermott
Michael Keaton - Billy Caufield

“My mother once told me that if the Abbotts didn't exist, my brother would have had to invent them.”
Michael Keaton - Narrator

“I'm gonna do four or five of these movies, and it's going to become my career. I'll have to keep expanding the bat suit, because I get fatter every year. I'll be bankrupt. I'll be out opening shopping malls, going from appearance to appearance in a cheesy van. [On playing Batman].”
Michael Keaton

“- Doug Kinney: We're gonna eat a dolphin!
- Doug Kinney: Hey! Lenny. You're not gonna eat a dolphin pal, you're gonna pet one.”
Michael Keaton - Doug Kinney
Michael Keaton - Doug Kinney

“- Henry Sikorsky: I'm the doctor until the doctor comes back!
- Billy Caufield: Okay, you be the doctor and I'll be the escaped mental patient, okay?”
Chris Lloyd - Henry Sikorsky
Michael Keaton - Billy Caufield

“What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, with the tunafish? Or... hold it! Chuck! I got it! Take live tuna fish, and feed 'em mayonnaise! Oh this is great.”
Michael Keaton - Bill Blazejowski

- Henry Hackett: Doesn't anybody say "good morning" any more?
- Carmen: I don't think so.
Michael Keaton - Henry Hackett
Roma Maffia - Carmen

“Shake your dicks, this pissing contest is over!”
Michael Keaton - Captain Gene Mauch

“- Laura Kinney: [to Doug thinking he's her husband] Please, just tell me what it is that you want.
- Doug Kinney: I want Pizza.”
Andie MacDowell - Laura Kinney
Michael Keaton - Doug Kinney

“- Henry Sikorsky: Straighten out that chair!
- Billy Caufield: Henry, imagine this: my chair is straight and all the other chairs are out of order. There's a real mind-bender for you there.”

Chris Lloyd - Henry Sikorsky
Michael Keaton - Billy Caufield

“Do you like school, Matt? I fucking hated every minute of it.”
Michael Keaton - Peter McCabe

“A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!”
Michael Keaton - Henry Hackett

“I can't imagine a God that would care.”
Michael Keaton - Peter McCabe

“- Oishi Kazihiro: In Japan, production in same sized factory is 40% higher.
- Saito: With superior quality.
- Hunt Stevenson: That's impossible. How can you guys work that fast?
- Oishi Kazihiro: Japanese worker is very loyal to company. Is very proud when company does well. Is ashamed when it does poorly.”
Gedde Watanabe - Oishi Kazihiro
Sab Shimono - Saito
Michael Keaton - Hunt Stevenson

“The end of my innocence and childhood began in 1957. It is remarkable to me now just how little I knew then about the people around me. It took me years to figure out exactly what the truth was, especially given my brother's knack at inventing facts.”

Michael Keaton - Narrator

“Everything Jacey wanted in life, the Abbotts already had: their cars, money, country clubs. But in the beginning, more than anything else, he wanted Eleanor Abbott. I'd witnessed enough of my brother's social agony to resolve early on. I would never let the Abbotts matter to me.”
Michael Keaton - Narrator

“- Alex: Wow, what a house!
- Jack Butler: Yeah, probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.
- Caroline: Not this one, his great grandfather - Commander Richardson - built it.
- Jack Butler: Eh... hand me down.”
Fred Koehler - Alex
Michael Keaton - Jack
Teri Garr - Caroline

“You have to appreciate the irony. After all these years of being locked up, I'm given the opportunity to kill again. A cop's kid, too, and all I have to do is sit right here.”
Michael Keaton - Peter McCabe

“- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.”
Michael Keaton - Batman
Michelle Pfeiffer - Catwoman

“These cigarettes are stale. You tell that cop and his dead kid I won't stand for stale cigarettes.”

Michael Keaton - Peter McCabe

“I'd rather have one of these cars that we made together, by hand. Your guys and my guys, together. You know why? Because those cars stand for something. Those cars stand for something pretty great. I'm proud of those cars. I'm taking one.”

Michael Keaton - Hunt Stevenson

“- Johnny Dangerously:Take it easy!
- Jocko Dundee: Take it easy? I'm standing here with my dork in my hand!”

Michael Keaton - Johnny Dangerously
Peter Boyle - Jocko Dundee