Tim Allen movie quotes

“Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons...”
Tim Allen

“- Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
- Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you......” (continue)(continue reading)
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
David Krumholtz - Bernard

“- Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
- Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!”
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen
Stephen Tobolowsky - Charley

“- Detective Nunzio: Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say, name, you say, Scott Calvin. Name?
- Scott Calvin: Kriss Kringle.
- Detective Nunzio: Name?
- Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
- Detective Nunzio: Name!
- Scott Calvin: Père Noël. Babbo Natale. Pelz-Nickel... Topo Gigio!
- Detective...” (continue)(continue reading)

Larry Brandenburg - Detective Nunzio
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin

“- Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
- Little Girl: It's soy milk.
- Santa: Huh?
- Little Girl: You said you were lactose intolerant.
- Santa: I did say that, didn't I? Thank you for remembering.”

Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Melissa King - Little Girl

“Listen to your inner voice.”
Tim Allen - Buzz Lightyear

“In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.”
Tim Allen

“You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.”
Tim Allen

“When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.”
Tim Allen

“- Santa Claus: Hey Cupid, why don't you shoot me with one of your darts and then I'll fall in love?
- Cupid: First of all they're arrows. Second of all, no can do. Because they have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would've shot myself in the butt, met a nice girl, left business years ago.”
Tim Allen - Santa Claus
Kevin Pollak - Cupid

“- Carol: Someone tracked down and bought all those wonderful antique toys.
- Scott Calvin: Probably someone that knows his way around eBay.”

Elizabeth Mitchell - Carol
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin

“Before you pee, you lift the seat; after you pee, you put the seat back down. Females in tribestart war over this. Many deaths.”

Tim Allen - Michael Cromwell

“If something should happen to me, put on my suit; the reindeer will know what to do.”

Tim Allen - Scott Calvin

“- Buzz Lightyear: Did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van?
- Mr. Potato Head: Oh, you had to bring that up!
- Buzz Lightyear: No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now, let's move out!”
Tim Allen - Buzz Lightyear
Don Rickles - Mr. Potato Head

“I'm not buying a Gulfstream jet just because Arnold Schwarzenegger has one. That would be silly. I'm not that competitive or materialistic. But I bet my jet will have more special features than his.”
Tim Allen

“- Doug Madsen: Ooh boy, my ass is sore.
- Dudley Frank: Mine too, its Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday. The human body wasn't made to stradle something that big for that long.”
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen
William H. Macy - Dudley Frank

“- Buzz: I've set my laser from stun to kill.
- Woody: Oh, great. If anyone attacks we can blink em' to death.”

Tim Allen - Buzz Lightyear
Tom Hanks - Woody

“- Dr. Kozak: Animals don't care they don't even understand what is going on.
- Dave Douglas: Don't tell me they don't understand. Animals understand. I know different.”
Robert Downey Jr. - Dr. Kozak
Tim Allen - Dave Douglas

“- Michael Cromwell: I should probably take some pictures of Mimi.
- Richard Kempster: I can never have enough pictures of my kids. I have like, four hundred albums. I never look at them, but they exist... it's good, you know?”
Tim Allen - Michael Cromwell
Martin Hayter Short - Richard Kempster

“- Scott Calvin: Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?
- Charlie: Sure, 9-1-1.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Eric Lloyd - Charlie

- Buzz: I think the word you're searching for is "Space Ranger".
- Woody: The word I'm searching for - I can't say, because there's preschool toys present.

Tim Allen - Buzz Lightyear
Tom Hanks - Woody

“- Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
- Susan: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
- Mr. Whittle: Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
- Scott Calvin: And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake....” (continue)(continue reading)
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Judith Scott - Susan
Peter Boyle - Mr. Whittle

“- Buzz: Andy's house. Sid's house. What's the difference?
- Woody: Buzz, you've had a big fall. You must not be thinking clearly!
- Buzz: No, Woody. For the first time, I am thinking clearly. You were right all along. I'm not a Space Ranger. I'm just a toy. A stupid, little, insignificant toy.”
Tim Allen - Buzz Lightyear
Tom Hanks - Woody

“- Caroline Sexton: You poor, deluded little monkey. Who do you think brought you to these people? Without me, Brad, you would be nothing.
- Brad Sexton: I beg your pardon, but I had a very successful real estate career before I ever met you.”
Kirstie Alley - Caroline Sexton
Tim Allen - Brad Sexton

“What I see here is just a bunch of grown men whose biggest decision in life is 'sleeveless or... uh... sleeveless? Do I shit behind the rock or over there by that bush?' Grown men... this is pathetic!”
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen