Masturbation quotes

“- Randal: Sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
- Dante: You know, you can do something about that.
- Randal: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!”
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

“- Max Fielder: I think I caused Darcy's coffee cup to slide across the table and crash. And then everything around was shaking and quaking...
- Brian Stills: You trashed the place 'cause you're mad at this Daisy chick, right?
- Max Fielder: No, no, Brian, I did it but I didn't touch anything.
- Brian Stills: Look, we all think we got some...” (continue)(continue reading)
Chevy Chase - Max Fielder
Brian Doyle-Murray - Brian Stills

“- Anya: For God's sakes Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
- Andrew Wells: Entertaining and educating.
- Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?”
Emma Caulfield Ford - Anya
Tom Lenk - Andrew Wells

They don't call me the "wood wizard" because I masturbate a lot.
Aaron Yoo - Chewie

“- Meghan: I'm not sucking dick for crack.
- Hulk: What you're sucking dick for then?
- Meghan: Nothing!”
Elizabeth Banks - Meghan

“Come here, Emery! I wanna see if you've been cleaning your nails! I wanna look behind your ears. I wanna look at your teeth. And what about down there? Come to Mommy Emmy! Come to Momma! Have you been doing that nasty thing again? I hear you in your room at night.”

Laura Kenny - Mrs. Kay Waterman

“Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.”
Andrew Dice Clay - Ford Fairlane

“- Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
- Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.”
Will Ferrell - Brennan Huff
John C. Reilly - Dale Doback

“The nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.”
Woody Allen - Val

“- Dante Hicks: How did he die?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
- Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!”

Brian O'Halloran - Dante Hicks
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Richard Lestrange: I could never live here with just you! I don't even like you! You never used to laugh at me! You never used to have secrets you wouldn't tell me!
- Emmeline Lestrange: Well, you're not so perfect either, Mr. Richard Lestrange. I've seen you playing with it, and I'll tell your father, if he ever gets here.”
Christopher Atkins - Richard Lestrange
Brooke Shields - Emmeline Lestrange

“- Volare: Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind.
- Volare: I was dancing professionally.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel...”
George De La Pena - Roberto Volare
John Turturro - Roland T. Flakfizer

“- Jim's Dad: It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Jim Levenstein: Right.
- Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
- Jim Levenstein: No.
- Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.”

Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein

“- George W. Bush: Let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
- Kumar Patel: No sir.
- George W. Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?
- Kumar Patel: Heh, yeah.
- George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.”
James Adomian - George W. Bush
Kal Penn - Kumar Patel

“- Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!
- Darren: What?
- Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!
[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]
- Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!”
Amanda Peet - Judith
Jason Biggs - Darren

“- Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?
- Jordan Belfort: Do I jerk off? Yeah.
- Mark Hanna: How many times a week?
- Jordan Belfort: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.
- Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least twice a day.
- Jordan...” (continue)(continue reading)
Matthew McConaughey - Mark Hanna
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jordan Belfort

“- Ron: What about our weekend in the Catskills? I've already paid for the room!
- Ruby: Well, then you can go there and you can jerk off. Cause that's what you are - a real fuckin' jerk off!”
Joseph Lyle Taylor - Ron
Jennifer Esposito - Ruby

“Masturbation. Rereading of letters from unfaithful wives and girlfriends. Cleaning your rifle. Further masturbation. Rewiring Walkman. Arguing about religion and meaning of life. Discussing in detail, every woman the Marine has ever fucked. Debating differences, such as left- vs. right-handed masturbation. Further cleaning of rifle. Studying of...” (continue)(continue reading)

Jake Gyllenhaal - Anthony 'Swoff' Swofford

- Max: You haven't slept with her, have you?
- William Thacker: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
- Max: "No comment" means "yes".
- William Thacker: No, it doesn't.
- Max: Do you ever masturbate?
- William Thacker: Definitely no comment.
- Max: You see? It means "yes".
Tim McInnerny - Max
Hugh Grant - William Thacker

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin

“It's soggy as a wet armpit in here. How long where you in that shower abusing yourself? You pump your handle too much, young man. If you keep this up, one day it's just going to wither up and fall off!”
Beverly D'Angelo - Dark's Mom

“Don't give me a jerk-off handjob!”
Peter Kwong - Bobby Nguyen

- Officer Kornblau: It was a regular fuck-o-rama at my place last night.
- Officer Lack: Can the shit, Kornblau. There ain't been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They oughta call your place the "House of Wax".
Thomas F. Wilson - Officer Kornblau
Roger Aaron Brown - Officer Lack

“- Finch: I am not touching that!
- Jim Levenstein: Put that thing away, Stifler.
- Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.”

Eddie Kaye Thomas - Finch
Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
Seann William Scott - Stifler