Masturbation quotes

- Jim Levenstein: Maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think... I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
- Michelle Flaherty: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty

“- Tom Valco: I told you, we shouldn't have put the computer up in his room. He's gonna spend all his time there.
- Christine Valco: Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. He's advancing his skills. One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.
- Tom Valco: Trust me. What he's doing up there, nobody's gonna pay him for, 'cause if they did...” (continue)(continue reading)

James Gandolfini - Tom Valco
Catherine O'Hara - Christine Valco

“In another million years, there'll be no men, no women. There'll just be people. Just a whole world full of wankers.”
Alan Love - Eric

“Were you masturbating? You don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable. You can call it Sam's happy time or
my special alone time with myself.”

Julie White - Judy Witwicky

“- Doofy: Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
- Buffy Gilmore: Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!”
Dave Sheridan - Doofy
Shannon Elizabeth - Buffy Gilmore

“- Igby: Can we go back to your mom's apartment and have sex?
- Sookie: No! You think that'll make you feel better? It won't. It'll just make you feel really empty and sad. You're better off masturbating.”
Kieran Culkin - Igby
Claire Danes - Sookie

“One good hand job deserves another.”
Michael Douglas - Nick Conklin

“- Leah: Would you like to share something personal with the crew? Robert... Uh... Ro-berta.
- Roberta: Personal?
- Leah: Mm.
- Roberta: Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and... I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly.”

Melissa Sagemiller - Leah
Harland Williams - Doofer

- Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
- Randal: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
- Elias: I turn down chicks left and right.
- Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right".
Trevor Fehrman - Elias
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“I always thought masturbation was the ultimate act of self-absorption.”
Kevin Kline - Harold

“- Tom Scoggins: Come on, Jan was a healthy girl she must've had something that run on batteries.
- Preacher: Nice.
- Tom Scoggins: Where would a girl keep her... thing?”

Michael Rapaport - Tom Scoggins
LL Cool J - Preacher

- Valentin Arregui: You only know the reality that was stuck up your ass!
- Luis Molina: Why should I think about reality in this stink hole? That's like "Why should I get more depressed that I already am?".
- Valentin Arregui: You're worse than I thought! Do you use these movies to jerk yourself off?

Raul Julia - Valentin Arregui
William Hurt - Luis Molina

“- Judge: Bailiff! Throw this jackass out of my courtroom!
- Mr. Mifflin: He's not only that! He's also a pervert! He touches himself in the mens room!
- Peggy Schuyler: And he cheated on my daddy! He had sex with a dead woman in your office!
- Burton Schuyler: You're fired Cobb!”
Harvey Vernon - Judge
Michael Ensign - Mr. Mifflin
Madolyn Smith Osborne - Peggy Schuyler
Dana Elcar - Burton Schuyler

“- Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...
- Williams: 5.6 times a day.
- Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney
Stephen Geoffreys - Williams

“- Billy: You were right. Women are bad, masturbating's good.
- Charlie Anders: No... masturbating's lonely.”
Brendan Fehr - Billy
Max Beesley - Charlie Anders

- Tumbler: Yo, so check out my new move. I call it "the Stranger". What I do is, I sit on my hand for, like, 15, 20 minutes, until it goes numb. No feeling at all. And then I rub one out.
- Toby: "The Stranger", huh?
- Atley Jackson: It's like a little boy's nursery school I've come upon here.
Scott Caan - Tumbler
William Lee Scott - Toby
Will Patton - Atley Jackson

“- Jeff Davis: Are you busy with something?
- Reanna: I was masturbating.
- Jeff Davis: In the dorms. Well, that's what you get when you go to art school.”
Michael C. Maronna - Jeff Davis
Laura Prepon - Reanna

“- Enid: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
- Rebecca: And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?”
Thora Birch - Enid
Scarlett Johansson - Rebecca

“I'm afraid the coroner's report will show death by auto-erotic strangulation.”
Paul Mazursky - Sidney

“I'm sorry, Jesus!”

Trevor Fehrman - Elias

“- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
- Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum: I've never tried it.
- Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?”
Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
Tara Reid - Victoria 'Vicky' Lathum

“- Gordon Cooper: Yeah, but... nurse, how am I supposed to...
- Nurse Murch: The best results seem to be obtained through fantasization, accompanied by masturbation, followed by ejaculation.
- Gordon Cooper: Well, that sounds easy enough.”

Dennis Quaid - Gordon Cooper
Jane Dornacker - Nurse Murch

“- Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
- Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.”

Gary Cole - Cotton McKnight
Jason Bateman - Pepper Brooks

“- Richard Twat: I trust you two both washed.
- Mr. Johnson: Actually, the water was cold.
- Richard Twat: That's no reason not to wash, is it? Good grief, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. Oh, I see, maybe that's why you are so upset about the lack of hot water.”
Rik Mayall - Richard Twat
Bill Nighy - Mr. Johnson

- Jonathan "Snuffy" Bradberry: The first rule of prep school etiquette is to pretend you're asleep when your roommate's beating off.
- Henry "Hank" Giles, III: No, the first rule of prep school etiquette is to wait until your roommate falls asleep before beating off.
Keith Coogan - Snuffy Bradberry
T.E. Russell - Hank Giles