Masturbation quotes

“- Chris: When was the last time you had sex?
- Brad: With another person?”

Phil Buckman - Chris
Vince Vieluf - Brad

“Babe, you're acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.”
Ashton Kutcher - Simon Green

“Me and my wife had a great sex life, we use to have sex once a week. but then she died... then it was 3 or 4 times a week.”
Danny Murphy - Mr. Murphy

“- Juan: Ain't you ever hear of jacking off?
- Willie Saravian: Well, sure, but, it's bad for you, isn't it?
- Juan: I've been doing it six or seven times a day for years and look at me.”
Robert Beltran - Juan
Barret Oliver - Willie Saravian

“- Enid: I bet he's in there jerking off.
- Rebecca: I bet he never jerks off.
- Enid: Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.”
Thora Birch - Enid
Scarlett Johansson - Rebecca

“- Randal: I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?!
- Dante: The most likeliest of scenarios.”
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

“- Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
- Ishmael: You have a monkey?”

Vanessa Angel - Claudia
Randy Quaid - Ishmael

“Remember, boys! Stay away from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this!
[shows his right hand]”
R. Lee Ermey - Coach

“When I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.”
Christopher Walken - Jack Menken

“- Roy: While you're in the bathroom, put some toilet paper in there.
- Joe Henry: You do it. It's your jerk-off room.
- Roy: I'll jerk your head off!”
Richard Bright - Roy
Noah Fleiss - Joe Henry

“- Rizzo: Where are you goin'? To flog your log?
- Danny: Much better than hanging around here with you dorks.”
Stockard Channing - Rizzo
John Travolta - Danny

“- Jennifer: Are you okay?
- Betty Parker: Um, yes. It's, uh, just that your father would never do anything like that.
- Jennifer: Well, you know, Mom, there are other ways to enjoy yourself... without Dad.”

Reese Witherspoon - Jennifer
Joan Allen - Betty Parker

“- Walt Tenor: You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself, masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.
- Bob Tenor: What are you talking about?
- Walt Tenor: Last night it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.”

Greg Kinnear - Walt Tenor
Matt Damon - Bob Tenor

“- Ilene: Haven't you ever had an orgasm?
- Melissa: Oh, yeah, sure... no, not really. I mean, not with someone else in the room.”
Mary Gross - Ilene
Victoria Jackson - Melissa

- Conrad "Con" Jarrett: You're really weird, what do you feel, huh? Do you jerk off, or jack off, or whatever you call it?
- Dr. Berger: What do you think?
- Conrad "Con" Jarrett: What do I think? I think you're married to a fat lady and you go home and you fuck the living daylights out of her!
- Dr. Berger: Sounds good to me.
Timothy Hutton - Conrad
Judd Hirsch - Berger

“- Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
- John Henderson: I want kids.
- Carl: Well, adopt.
- John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
- Carl: Masturbate in the garden.”
John C. McGinley - Carl
Albert Brooks - John Henderson

- Dr. Berger: What are you thinking now?
- Conrad "Con" Jarrett: That I jack off a lot.
- Dr. Berger: So what else is new? Does it help?
- Conrad "Con" Jarrett: For a minute.
Judd Hirsch - Berger
Timothy Hutton - Conrad

“I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.”
Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein

“I had to jerk off twice this morning just to get my heart started!”
Jim Marcus - Medical Examiner

“- Shorofsky: One man is not an orchestra.
- Bruno: Who needs orchestras? You can do it all with a keyboard, an amp and enough power.
- Shorofsky: You going to play all by yourself?
- Bruno: You don't need anybody else.
- Shorofsky: That's not music, Martelli. That's masturbation.”
Albert Hague - Shorofsky
Lee Curreri - Bruno

- Janey Briggs: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
- Jake Wyler: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
- Flight Attendant: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
Chyler Leigh - Janey Briggs
Chris Evans - Jake Wyler
Molly Ringwald - Flight Attendant

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time? Nah, don't feel bad. No one can.”
David Spade - Video Store Clerk

“- Snookie: I'm free Saturday night.
- Chenille: Why, is your hand busy?”
Vince Green - Snookie
Kerry Washington - Chenille

“- Doreen: Kids, where's your father?
- Wally's daughter : He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Doreen: Again?”
Kevin McDonald - Doreen
Erica Fairfield - Wally's daughter