Masturbation quotes

“I guess I feel humanism is a form of spirituality. I never fucked anyone over, except myself. That's pretty moral.”
James Le Gros - John

“I can't come to the phone right now, I'm eating corn chips and masturbating. Please leave a message.”

Callum Keith Rennie - Billy Tallent

“I'm tired of living in sin with my own right hand.”
Jack Thompson - Harry Mitchell

- Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating!
- Lester Burnham: I was not.
- Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were!
- Lester Burnham: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Annette Bening - Carolyn Burnham
Kevin Spacey - Lester Burnham

“It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.”
Virginia Smith - Caged Animal Masturbator

“- Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?
- Lucy Wallace: Oh Garry! Oh my God!
- Gary Wallace: Ma, I never tossed off to anything!
- Lucy Wallace: You told me you were combing your hair!
- Gary Wallace: I was! I was!”
Kelly LeBrock - Lisa
Barbara Lang - Lucy Wallace
Anthony Michael Hall - Gary Wallace

“- William Lightbody: You were masturbating!
- Dr. Lionel Badger: I was not! I was massaging my colon!
- William Lightbody: Massaging your colon! I know where the colon is and it doesn't stick up in the air!”
Matthew Broderick - William Lightbody
Colm Meaney - Dr. Lionel Badger

“- Jackie Treehorn: Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!
- The Dude: Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.”
Ben Gazzara - Jackie Treehorn
Jeff Bridges - The Dude

“- Eric Bates: What do you do with... your thing?
- Jack Brown: Is this a hypothetical question or is there a lady involved?”
Scott Schwartz - Eric Bates
Richard Pryor - Jack Brown

“- Malcolm Moldowsky: I am the Congressman's right hand.
- Erin Grant: You must be a very busy man.”
Paul Guilfoyle - Malcolm Moldovsky
Demi Moore - Erin Grant

“- Dirk: You want five or ten?
- Jack Horner: What?
- Dirk: Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's ten. But if you just wanna look at it, it's only five.”
Mark Wahlberg - Dirk Diggler
Burt Reynolds - Jack Horner

“Eleven. That's how old I was when I discovered masturbation. Mind you it was another three years before I realized I could do it on my own.”
Ben Silverstone - Steven Carter

“You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

- Ilene: What do you miss most about sex?
- Stacy: I miss falling asleep with someone's arms around me. And the feeling of, mm...
- Ilene: Orgasm? I love orgasms.
- Stacy: I'm sick of my "mighty intruder" vibrator with the flexible shaft and the textured head.
Mary Gross - Ilene
Lea Thompson - Stacy

“I don't blame you. When I was your age, I was knocking them off left and right; but I never did it with nobody's daughter. You should have given her an ankle bracelet and stuck to jerking off!”

Dolph Sweet - Chubby Galasso

“- Moses: You wank off a lot?
- Chuck: What's a lot?
- Moses: You know, you got 5 minutes off, slip into one of the rooms, pull down your lil' panty's wack it.”
Adam Sandler - Moses

“Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off.”
Joaquin Phoenix - Jimmy Emmett