Money quotes

“You don't dry clean a rented tuxedo. You don't redecorate a hotel room. You don't order cable for a port-a-potty...unless you're really, really drunk. And you don't take on the bills of a girl that's got the attention span of a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog.”

Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and on my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“Berta-You can just keep staring at your laptop all day.
Walden Schmidt-I made a billion dollars doing this.
Berta-Well, carry on.
”
Ashton Kutcher - Walden Schmidt
Conchata Ferrell - Berta

“Alan Harper-I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
Walden Schmidt-Well, I can't give you hope, but I can give you my American Express black card.
Alan Harper-Hope is for losers.
”
Ashton Kutcher - Walden Schmidt
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Dating is based on a point system. Pam's good looking, so that's 25 points. Bob's the nicest guy in the world, so that's like, a point? But he has money, so there's 24 points.”
Ashton Kutcher - Michael Kelso

“Oh, no. I'm not getting a job. Jobs are for poor people. I'm a rich person who doesn't have any money.”
Mila Kunis - Jackie Burkhart

“I still can't get over you cheating on me, and I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.”

Ashton Kutcher - Michael Kelso

“Michael Kelso-Dates cost money.
Fez-No, Kelso, that is prostitution.
Steven Hyde-No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.”
Ashton Kutcher - Michael Kelso
Wilmer Valderrama - Fez
Danny Masterson - Steven Hyde

“A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything's so cheap.”

Ashton Kutcher - Michael Kelso

“This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.”

Kurtwood Smith - Red Forman

“Oh, that puts me in mind of a great wee system we had in the old days for paying the rent. The rent man would come round and collect the money for every house in the whole street, and once he had done and all the rent books were marked up to date, one of the boys would hold him up at gunpoint in the back entry and take all the money back off him...” (continue)(continue reading)
Ciarán Hinds - Pop

“I don't have the money to be a real alcoholic.”
Kat Dennings - Max Black

“The Pill's like 50 bucks a month, that's more than it costs to raise a damn baby.”
Kat Dennings - Max Black

“In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on anything unless it had a yacht.”
Beth Behrs - Caroline Channing

“Dave-They're savings bonds. In seven years you will get to buy something really nice.
Alvin-Do you have any that you bought seven years ago?”
Jason Lee - Dave
Justin Long - Alvin

“Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything.”
Dianna Agron - Quinn Fabray

“Nowadays being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now.”
Lea Michele - Rachel Berry

“They're so posh and snobby, it's snoshy!”
Awkwafina - Peik Lin Goh

“Rachel Chu-So your family is, like, rich?
Nick Young-We're comfortable.
Rachel Chu-That is exactly what a super-rich person would say.”
Henry Golding - Nick Young
Constance Wu - Rachel Chu

“When you have money, no one is really ever your friend.”
Gal Gadot - Linnet Ridgeway

“Money is the only friend a woman can rely on.”
Annette Bening - Euphemia Bouc

“There’s a lot of money to be made in scaring people.”
Gillian Anderson - Dana Scully

“My very first credit card. Today, I am a woman!”
Miley Cyrus - Miley Stewart