Billy Crystal movie quotes

“Sulley, what about everything we ever worked for? Does that matter? What about Celia? I am never... never gonna see her again. Doesn't that matter? What about me? I'm your pal, I'm your best friend. Don't I matter?”
Billy Crystal - Mike

- Paul Vitti: Jelly, did they find that note?
- Jelly: No, but they will in a minute.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't fucking take it no more! Signed, the Dead Guy".
- Jelly: That's good, Doc.

Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti
Joe Viterelli - Jelly
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

“When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.”
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

“- Mike: Psst, Fungus. Fungus, you like cars? Because I got a really nice car. You let me go, I'll give you... a ride... in the car.
- Fungus: I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot.”
Billy Crystal - Mike
Frank Oz - Fungus

“- Buddy Young, Jr.: Who do you have to screw to get a vodka?
- Sidney: Me.
- Buddy Young, Jr.: Make it a ginger ale.”
Billy Crystal - Buddy Young Jr.
Richard Mehana - Sidney

“By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“Change is such hard work.”
Billy Crystal

“- Ray Hughes: I still like being a cop.
- Danny Costanzo: This will be the same thing. We break up some fights, we argue with some drunks, we roust some hookers, and occasionally we, if we're lucky, we'll get robbed.”
Gregory Hines - Ray Hughes
Billy Crystal - Danny Costanzo

- Dr. Ben Sobel: You don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you?
- Paul Vitti: I hear it all the time, only it's more like "no, please, no!".
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.”
Billy Crystal - Sam 'Sammy' Kamin

“Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts.
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

“- Captain Logan: When you've been cops this long, you are not fit for anything else. What are you gonna do, open a bar?
- Ray Hughes: We're looking for some new career challenges.
- Danny Costanzo: Yeah, something with a future.
- Captain Logan: Show me another career they let you shoot people.”
Dan Hedaya - Captain Logan
Gregory Hines - Ray Hughes
Billy Crystal - Danny Costanzo

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: You said you were fighting. You were rebelling against his authority. There may have been some unresolved Oedipal conflict.
- Paul Vitti: English.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Oedipus was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.
- Paul Vitti: Fuckin' Greeks.”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“- Gwen Harrison: Oh, my God! He's gonna jump!
- Lee Phillips: He's not gonna jump.
- Gwen Harrison: I said I was going to give him the divorce papers.
- Lee Phillips: Shit, he's gonna jump!”

Catherine Zeta-Jones - Gwen Harrison
Billy Crystal - Lee Phillips

Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours".
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

- Paul Vitti: You're turning me down?
- Dr. Ben Sobel: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.
- Paul Vitti: You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you're turning me down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks 'em right anymore?
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

“- Sally Albright: Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
- Harry Burns: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.”
Meg Ryan - Sally Albright
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

- Marty DiBergi: It's such an interesting concept, mixing mime and food.
- Morty the Mime: It's a kick isn't it? Well, I used to be an actor but I could never remember my lines, so I thought "just shut up", you know? Don't say nothing. And my father used to say the same thing to me every dinner time, he used to say to me "shut up and eat", so... (continue)(continue reading)

Rob Reiner - Marty DiBergi
Billy Crystal - Morty the Mime

“- Glen: The sun sets in the East, right?
- Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.
- Glen: That's if your in the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.
- Mitch: You can't be passed where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!”
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
- Harry Burns: Why not?
- Sally Albright: Because of God.”

Meg Ryan - Sally Albright
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night?
- Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?
- Paul Vitti: No.”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“Without Goliath, David is just some punk throwing rocks.”
Billy Crystal - Sam 'Sammy' Kamin

“- Owen: Your wife, she had a little trouble walking, but that was from the gardener.
- Larry: You saw my wife?
- Owen: She was kind of a tart, Larry. Although I can see why you married her. She was very beautiful.”
Danny DeVito - Owen
Billy Crystal - Larry

“- Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
- Miracle Max: The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?”
Mandy Patinkin - Inigo Montoya
Billy Crystal - Miracle Max