Billy Crystal movie quotes

“- Ben Sobel: We don't think it's necessary to wake the neighbors every time we have sex.
- Paul Vitti: If you're quiet, you could do it without even waking your wife.”
Billy Crystal - Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“- Duke: My brother loved the land, I loved the sea.
- Mitch: Oh. Like surf and turf.
- Duke: Ha ha ha.
- Mitch: Thought that was funny?
- Duke: No, just thinking about what I'd like to do to you.”
Jack Palance - Duke Washburn
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
- Sally Albright: Which one am I?
- Harry Burns: You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.”
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns
Meg Ryan - Sally Albright

“Ginko biloba. Helps my memory, and I forget what else.”
Billy Crystal - Ben Sobel

“- Lee Phillips: Eddie is not demented. It was a one-time incident. This is a forgive and forget kind of thing.
- Gwen Harrison: He tried to kill me, Lee. Am I the only person who remembers that? Attempted murder doesn't get people's attention anymore?”
Billy Crystal - Lee Phillips
Catherine Zeta-Jones - Gwen Harrison

“Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Caroline: What do you think I should do?
- Dr. Ben Sobel: What I think you should do... is stop whining about this pathetic loser.”

Molly Shannon - Caroline
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

- Buddy Young Jr.: For me, my family was like, uh, Dances With Jews. Oh sure, we had names for our relatives like they had in that movie.
- Reporter: What do you mean?
- Buddy Young Jr.: Well, we had "Eats With His Hands", "Spits When He Talks", "Makes Noise When He Bends", "Sweats Like a Pig", "Whines In a Cab", "Never Buys Retail", "Shaves His... (continue)(continue reading)
Billy Crystal - Buddy Young Jr.
Richard Kind - Reporter

“- Larry: Why did you kill my wife?
- Owen: I thought you wanted me to. That was the deal we made that night. You told me that hated your wife. You wished she was dead. I told you I hated my momma. I told you I wished she was dead. You told me to see that Hitchcock film about swapping murders. I figured I kill your wife and you kill my momma....” (continue)(continue reading)
Billy Crystal - Larry
Danny DeVito - Owen

“- Mike: All we have to do is get rid of that thing, so wait here while I get its cardkey.
- Sulley: But she can't stay here! This is the men's room.
- Mike: That is the weirdest thing you have ever said.”

Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

“- Anna: Are you really going to Florida?
- Danny Costanzo: What do you care? What are you, jealous?
- Anna: I'm not jealous. It just sounds boring. And you're not boring.
- Danny Costanzo: Hey, you are marrying boring! And you're not boring either!”
Darlanne Fluegel - Anna Costanzo
Billy Crystal - Danny Costanzo

“True love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT, mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.
[smacks his lips]
They're so perky, I love that.”
Billy Crystal - Miracle Max

I'll never forget what my Uncle Moe said about little girls. He said, "officer, she said she was 18!".
Billy Crystal - Buddy Young Jr.

“Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel... and it isn't that great?”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

- Mike: I'm telling you, Big Daddy. You're gonna be seeing this face on TV more often.
- Sulley: Yeah, like on "Monstropolis' Most Wanted"?

Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

“You have to channel all this nice grief into a murderous rage.”

Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

“- Miracle Max: I've never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
- Inigo Montoya: This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
- Miracle Max: Are you a rotten liar!
- Inigo Montoya: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
- Miracle Max: Your first...” (continue)(continue reading)
Billy Crystal - Miracle Max
Mandy Patinkin - Inigo Montoya

- Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
- Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.
Bruno Kirby - Jess
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

“- Mike: Can I borrow your odorant?
- Sulley: Yeah, I got, uh, Smelly Garbage or Old Dumpster.
- Mike: You got, uh, Low Tide?
- Sulley: No.
- Mike: How about Wet Dog?
- Sulley: Yep. Stink it up.”
Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

I couldn't catch a ball. Well, it 's hard to catch with your face. I had the word "Spalding" written on my forehead 'til I was about six.
Billy Crystal - Abbie

“Does anyone here speak English? Perfect! Either I'm in heaven or the Miami airport.”
Billy Crystal - Sam 'Sammy' Kamin

“I am grieving. It's a process.”
Billy Crystal - Ben Sobel

“- Danny Costanzo: What's wrong with being careful?
- Captain Logan: Careful gets you killed in this line of work. You think about getting shot and you get shot.”
Billy Crystal - Danny Costanzo
Dan Hedaya - Captain Logan

- Ellen Andrews Gordon: Rodin never said what he was thinking.
- Mickey Gordon: You see, what I think he was thinking was, "Goddam Rodin. Three drinks and I'm nude".
Debra Winger - Ellen Andrews Gordon
Billy Crystal - Mickey Gordon

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: The black milk dream is also about your father.
- Paul Vitti: Nah, I don't buy that. In the dream, I'm bringing the baby the black milk.”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti