Charlie Sheen movie quotes

“- Charlie Sheen: Do me a favor. Promise me you won't drive.
- Lindsay Lohan: That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
- Charlie Sheen: I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.”
Charlie Sheen - Himself
Lindsay Lohan - Herself

“- Lt. Topper Harley: So... I guess you've been with a man before...
- Ramada Thompson: I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.”
Charlie Sheen - Lt. Topper Harley
Valeria Golino - Ramada Thompson

“- David Ackerman: Do you think I like dragging around after you all day? I fucking hate it! And I hate the way you drive. And I hate your stinking whiskey breath.
- Nick Pulovski: And I hate your uptight regulation-spouting boy scout horseshit. And I hate the little fucking creases in your pants. And I hate these fucking donuts. These fruitcake...” (continue)(continue reading)
Charlie Sheen - David Ackerman
Clint Eastwood - Nick Pulovski

Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason". That's what this place feels like. Hell.

Charlie Sheen - Chris

- Bud Fox: Did mom give you fish for dinner?
- Carl Fox: Spaghetti! Your mother still makes lousy spaghetti.
- Bud Fox: It's called "pasta" now, dad. "Spaghetti" is out of date.
- Carl Fox: So am I.
Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox
Martin Sheen - Carl Fox

“- Bud Fox: So tell me, Gordon: when does it all end, huh? How many yachts can you water-ski behind? How much is enough?
- Gordon Gekko: It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero-sum game: somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn't lost or made, it's simply, uh, transferred from one perception to another. Like magic.”
Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox
Michael Douglas - Gordon Gekko

“I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. And the enemy was in us.”
Charlie Sheen - Chris

“- James St. James: What an absolutely gorgeous day. warm sun, beautiful women...
- Carl Taylor: And the air is just right for drinking!”
Emilio Estevez - James St. James
Charlie Sheen - Carl Taylor

“Having sex with her was like reading the Wall St. Journal.”

Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox

Alan Harper-Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie Harper-It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan Harper-Excuse me?
Charlie Harper-There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room... (continue)(continue reading)
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“On the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which one I'm rooting for?”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“Alan Harper-You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie Harper-I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan Harper-You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie Harper-Who gave me the penis, Alan?
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Alan Harper-Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie Harper-No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“Charlie Harper-Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie Harper-Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie harper-Yeah, like Vegas
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jane Lynch - Dr. Linda Freeman

“Charlie Harper-You guys are no fun, I'm gonna call a hooker.
Lyndsey Mackelroy-Charlie, there's two boys in the house!
Charlie Harper-Let them get their own hookers.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Courtney Thorne-Smith - Lyndsey Mackelroy

“Chris Mackelroy-I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
Dr.Herb Melnick-Bad place for a lump.
Charlie Harper-Tell me a good place.
Dr.Herb Melnick-Someone else's groin.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Ryan Stiles - Dr. Herb Melnick
Judd Nelson - Chris Mackelroy

“Alan Harper-I need you to watch Jake for the rest of the weekend so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas and get married.
Charlie Harper-Oh, God, Alan! There's no need to marry the woman! If you don't want to have sex anymore just tell her!
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Dr.Linda Freeman-Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie Harper-Does massage therapy count?
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jane Lynch - Dr. Linda Freeman

“Charlie Harper-Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake Harper-Life stinks.
Charlie Harper-Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper

“Alan Harper-Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Charlie Harper-Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Alan Harper-Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie Harper-Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Cynthia Sullivan-Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake Harper-It's called puberty.
Charlie Harper-It's called donuts.
”
Christina Moore - Cynthia Sullivan
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper

“Alan Harper-Haven't you read the package?
Charlie Harper-Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
”

Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Charlie Harper-You'd really be willing to risk your marriage over a cute, young babysitter?
Dr.Herb Melnick-I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat, ugly one.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Ryan Stiles - Dr. Herb Melnick