Groucho Marx movie quotes

“You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“- Frank Wagstaff: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.”
Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world.”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Gordon Miller: Too soon, too soon, he died too soon.
- Harry Binelli: An hour too soon.”
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller
Chico Marx - Harry Binelli

“- Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless.
- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Rittenhouse
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“Do you think that girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean, don't you think that although girls go out with boys like me, they always marry the other kind?”

Groucho Marx - Groucho

“You two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave.”

Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Harry Binelli: No, he doesn't believe in shirts!
- Gordon Miller: Ah, he's an atheist!”

Chico Marx - Harry Binelli
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“- Chicolini: I think we should have a standing army.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
- Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.”
Chico Marx - Chicolini
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“There's only one law in the West: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot.”
Groucho Marx - S. Quentin Quale

“- Otis B. Driftwood: Go fast. I can see a man with a rope out there.
- Fiorello: How we happen to come to America is a great story, but I no tell that.”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood
Chico Marx - Fiorello

“- Lucille: Alky can't make a fool of me. I want to go places. I want to do things. I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice...
- Groucho: Madam, you're making history. In fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.”
Thelma Todd - Lucille
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“What makes wage slaves? Wages!”
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
- Professor in Wagstaff's Study: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Where they always sleep: in the classroom.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
E.H. Calvert - Professor in Wagstaff's Study

“- Dr. Hackenbush: At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.
- Whitmore: Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?
- Dr. Hackenbush: That's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.”
Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush
Leonard Ceeley - Whitmore

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: How much do we owe you?
- Baravelli: Two thousand dollars.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“You take me and I'll take a vacation. I'll need a vacation if we're going to get married.”

Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Retiring Collage President: Professor Wagstaff, now that you have stepped into my shoes...
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you can do is have them cleaned.”
Reginald Barlow - Retiring Collage President
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“You're fighting for this woman's honor - which is probably more than she ever did.”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.”

Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Otis B. Driftwood: I'm practically a hermit.
- Henderson: Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.”
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood
Robert Emmett O'Connor - Henderson

You know the old saying: "Two's company, five's a crowd".
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding: What do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all going to get married?
- Mrs. Whitehead: All of us? But, that's bigamy!
- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding: Yes, and it's big of me too.”

Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding
Margaret Irving - Mrs. Whitehead