Groucho Marx movie quotes

“Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.”

Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Lassparri: Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, watermelons are out of season.”
Walter Woolf King - Lassparri
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Harry Binelli: That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.
- Gordon Miller: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.
- Harry Binelli: Oh, those were the happy days!”
Chico Marx - Harry Binelli
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“- Gordon Miller: You could go back if you wanted to.
- Leo Davis: My mother seemed very happy when I left.”
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller
Frank Albertson - Leo Davis

“- Chicolini: I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?
- Rufus T. Firefly: Tanks.
- Chicolini: You're welcome.”

Chico Marx - Chicolini
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Mrs. Claypool: It's rather difficult to believe that when I find you dining with another woman.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.”

Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Claypool
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Chico: What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.
- Groucho: Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.
- Chico: I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.”
Chico Marx - Chico
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Mrs. Potter: I don't know what to say.
- Hammer: Say that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Potter
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“Money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money. That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it.”
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens. If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“O Susanna, oh, won't you fly with me, for I need $10,000 'cause the Sheriff's after me.”

Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“- Mrs. Gloria Teasdale: I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
- Ambassador Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
- Rufus T. Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale
Louis Calhern - Ambassador Trentino
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Martha Phelps: I'm afraid after we're married awhile, a beautiful young girl will come along and you'll forget all about me.
- Wolf J. Flywheel: Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.”
Margaret Dumont - Martha Phelps
Groucho Marx - Wolf J. Flywheel

“- Rufus T. Firefly: Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?
- Bob Roland: Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, Your Excellency.
- Rufus T. Firefly: You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly
Zeppo Marx - Bob Roland

“- Groucho: You call this a barn? This looks like a stable.
- Chico: Well, if you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho
Chico Marx - Chico

“- Peerless Pauline: You're the man I've been dreaming of!
- J. Cheever Loophole: What do you eat before you go to bed?”
Eve Arden - Peerless Pauline
Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“Before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.”

Groucho Marx - Groucho

“You've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Otis B. Driftwood: Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing?
- Fiorello: Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood
Chico Marx - Fiorello

“I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”
Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“- Signor Emanuel Ravelli: All you gotta do is open the door, step outside and there you are.
- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding: There you are? There you are, where?
- Signor Emanuel Ravelli: Outside.”
Chico Marx - Signor Emanuel Ravelli
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Hammer: Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
- Chico: Why a duck?”
Groucho Marx - Hammer
Chico Marx - Chico