Groucho Marx movie quotes

“- Peerless Pauline: I've waited so long to find someone like you.
- J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I'm not good enough for you, eh?”
Eve Arden - Peerless Pauline
Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.”

Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.”

Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Capt. Corcoran: One goes around with a black moustache.
- Groucho: Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?”

Ben Taggart - Capt. Corcoran
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“- Ambassador Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
- Rufus T. Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.”
Louis Calhern - Ambassador Trentino
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Mrs. Gloria Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder.”

Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.”
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“- Signor Emanuel Ravelli: My idea of a house is something nice and a small and comfortable.
- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding: That's the way I feel about it. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.”
Chico Marx - Signor Emanuel Ravelli
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“What's the use of worrying? It's silly to worry, now, isn't it. You're gone today and here tomorrow.”
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Fiorello: What's the matter, mister?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.”

Chico Marx - Fiorello
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool.”
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Rufus T. Firefly: Where is your husband?
- Mrs. Gloria Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
- Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale

“Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Secretary of Labor: The Department of Labor wishes to note that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.”
Edward LeSaint - Secretary of Labor
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Hammer: Do you know what a lot is?
- Chico: Yeah, too much.
- Hammer: The next time I see you, remind not to talk to you.”
Groucho Marx - Hammer
Chico Marx - Chico

“- Henderson: You live here all alone?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Yes. Just me and my memories.”
Robert Emmett O'Connor - Henderson
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“I counted five thousand sheeps in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheeps, would you?”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Wolf J. Flywheel: There are many bonds that will hold us together through eternity.
- Martha Phelps: Really, Wolf? What are they?
- Wolf J. Flywheel: Your government bonds, your savings bonds, your liberty bonds.”

Groucho Marx - Wolf J. Flywheel
Margaret Dumont - Martha Phelps

“- Mrs. Potter: You must leave my room. We must have regard for certain conventions.
- Hammer: One guy isn't enough, she's gotta have a convention.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Potter
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.”

Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“You mean a woman of your culture and money and beauty and money and wealth and money would, would marry that imposter?”

Groucho Marx - Wolf J. Flywheel

“Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho