Groucho Marx movie quotes

“Signor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.”
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Frank Wagstaff: You're talking to the wrong team.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!”

Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Hilda Manny: If I don't come back you'll know it's good news.
- Gordon Miller: And if you do come back bring four bottles of poison.”
Ann Miller - Hilda Manny
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“- Rufus T. Firefly: You're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
- Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly
Chico Marx - Chicolini

“Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at another horse.”

Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush

“- Harry Binelli: I like-a love.
- Gordon Miller: I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.
- Harry Binelli: I like it anytime.”
Chico Marx - Harry Binelli
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you in that room quickly, Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo in this room.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“- Tony: Hey doc, can you see us?
- Dr. Hackenbush: If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses.”
Chico Marx - Tony
Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush

“- Referee: What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Groucho: Come here, babe, I like you.
- Lucille: Oh, I shouldn't. What about my husband?
- Groucho: That's alright. Maybe we can get a girl for him.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho
Thelma Todd - Lucille

“- Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
- Whitmore: What happened?
- Dr. Hackenbush: I got the flu.”
Leonard Ceeley - Whitmore
Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush

“- Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate baking soda and a half a glass of water.”
Zeppo Marx - Bob Roland
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Mrs. Gloria Teasdale: The future of Freedonia rest on you. Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.
- Rufus T. Firefly: How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me.”

Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“Do you realize what happens if we lose? It means shame! Disgrace! Humiliation! And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace!”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Mrs. Potter: What in the world is the matter with you?
- Hammer: Oh, I... I'm not myself tonight. I don't know how I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Potter
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“As you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends.
[Pinky pulls out a candle burning at both ends]
Well, I was wrong. I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends. I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“Time wounds all heels.”
Groucho Marx - S. Quentin Quale

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Baravelli, is this your picture?
- Baravelli: I don't think so. It no look like me.”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“- Lucille: From the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.
- Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?”
Thelma Todd - Lucille
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girl's basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand?”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

- "Red" Baxter: I don't like your faces.
- S. Quentin Quale: I suppose you think we like them.
Robert Barrat - "Red" Baxter
Groucho Marx - S. Quentin Quale

“Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.”
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“Now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor.”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush