Groucho Marx movie quotes

“- Groucho: You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
- Capt. Corcoran: Who did that?
- Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.”

Groucho Marx - Groucho
Ben Taggart - Capt. Corcoran

“All the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in awhile.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“- Mrs. Gloria Teasdale: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
- Rufus T. Firefly: A gal a day is enough for me.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Gloria Teasdale
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Bob Roland: Message from the front, sir.
- Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side?”
Zeppo Marx - Bob Roland
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Jamison: Any luck with the 4:30?
- Hammer: Yeah. It didn't hit me.”
Zeppo Marx - Jamison
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“- Mrs. Suzanna Dukesbury: [a giraffe licks her neck] Not here, monsieur. Not here.
- J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, I can't help it. It's just the animal in me.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Suzanna Dukesbury
Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school!”
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Henderson: Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?”
Robert Emmett O'Connor - Henderson
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Dr. Hackenbush: I proposed to your mother once.
- Judy: But that's my father!
- Dr. Hackenbush: No wonder he turned me down.”

Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush
Maureen O'Sullivan - Judy

“- Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
- Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”
Cecil Cunningham - Madame Swempski
Groucho Marx - Groucho

“- Mrs. Claypool: I think we'd better keep everything on a business basis.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Every time I get romantic with you, you want to talk business. I don't know, there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman.”

Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Claypool
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Freedonia's Secretary of War #1: That's the last straw, I resign! I wash my hands of the whole business!
- Rufus T. Firefly: Good idea, you can wash your neck, too!”

Edwin Maxwell - Freedonia's Secretary of War #1
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Freedonia's Secretary of War #1: I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?
- Rufus T. Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while!”
Edwin Maxwell - Freedonia's Secretary of War #1
Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
- Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call them up on the telephone, then I send them my chauffeur.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”
Groucho Marx - Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

“We're in a mess. Rush to Freedonia! Three men and one woman are trapped in a building! Send help at once! If you can't send help, send two more women!”

Groucho Marx - Rufus T. Firefly

“- Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
- Fiorello: You can't fool me! There ain't no Santay Claus!”

Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood
Chico Marx - Fiorello

“- Mrs. Potter: Get out of this room, or I'll scream for the servants.
- Hammer: Let the servants know! Let the whole world know! About us!”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Potter
Groucho Marx - Hammer

“- Professor: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Mrs. Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say?
- Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.”
Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Claypool
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Captain: I cannot let the evening pass without paying a little tribute to our distinguished guests of honor - the three greatest aviators in the world.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.”
Edward Keane - Captain
Groucho Marx - Otis B. Driftwood

“- Frank Wagstaff: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her!”
Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“Ah ah! Bad luck, three on a midget!”
Groucho Marx - J. Cheever Loophole

“- Mr. Grover: If you're a detective, I'm a monkey's uncle.
- Wolf J. Flywheel: Keep your family out of this!”
Douglass Dumbrille - Mr. Grover
Groucho Marx - Wolf J. Flywheel

“The stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.”
Groucho Marx - Groucho