Masturbation quotes

“Any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.”
Reese Witherspoon - Elle Woods

“Y'know, uh - cornflakes were invented to prevent masturbation. It didn't work.”
Richard Jenkins - Giles

“Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous.”
Chris Elliott - Dom

“I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.”
Robert Downey Jr. - Kirk Lazarus

“- Angie Anderson: I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
- Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
- Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!”
Amber Heard - Angie Anderson
Seth Rogen - Dale Denton

“- Felicia: Goddammit, man! You done made me hurt my dick hand.
- Stu: Ooooh! I'm sure you're just as good with the other hand.”
Paula Jai Parker - Felicia
Colin Farrell - Stu Shepard

“Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock anymore?”

Judge Reinhold - Brad Hamilton

“I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know.”
Strother Martin - McGrath

“Once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation.”
William Jackson Harper - Chidi Anagonye

“I'm incredible at hand-jobs but I also got a fifteen-sixty on the SATs.”
Molly Gordon - Triple A

“Welcome, Cassius Green. I hope you have not masturbated today. We need you sharp and ready to go.”
Rosario Dawson - Voice in Elevator

“- Baravelli: Do you commit impure acts? Do you touch yourself? Do you know Saint Louis weeps when you touch yourself?
- Titta: [speaking to himself] Let him cry. I'm not gonna tell you, because you'll only tell Dad. Don't tell me you don't touch yourself. How can you not, when you see the woman in the tobacco shop, as stacked as she is and she...” (continue)(continue reading)
Gianfilippo Carcano - Baravelli
Bruno Zanin - Titta

“I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.”
Woody Allen - Sperm

“- Michelle Flaherty: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
- Jim Levenstein: [spits out drink] Excuse me?
- Michelle Flaherty: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.”
Jason Biggs - Michelle Flaherty

“Team Skylark never backs down from a jerkoff.”
James Franco - Dave Skylark

“- Officer Lucas White: I almost beat you.
- Vin Serento: You can't even beat yourself.
- Officer Lucas White: I've been beating myself since junior high.”
Alex Ashbaugh - Lucas White
Dale Pavinski - Vin Serento

“- Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
- Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
- Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
- Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
- Jay: Dude, not all the time.”
Jason Mewes - Jay
Chris Rock - Rufus

“Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.”
Kevin Spacey - Lester Burnham

I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salam", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad

“- Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
- Andy: You could dry hump.
- Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
- Andy: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
- Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
- Andy: Play with a friend.”
Nancy Carell - Health Clinic Counselor
Steve Carrell - Andy

“I knew this bloke once, right. And... he used to masturbate so much that he grew very fond of his hand. So much that he began to talk to it and he put a little face on it and he called it Muriel. And after a while, Muriel began to talk back to him. He would get her all dolled up in make up and specially made little clothes, and at night she'd go...” (continue)(continue reading)
Noah Taylor - Danny

“Brown. Me. Wow! It wasn't possible! Did I deserve it? I mean, twenty minutes ago some guy was masturbating over me. ...Mom! I need more soap!”

Dominique Swain - Andrea Marr

“- Zed: You could be my right-hand man.
- Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.”
Jack Black - Zed
Michael Cera - Oh

“- Del Griffith: You play with your balls a lot.
- Neal Page: I do not play with my balls.
- Del Griffith: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!”
John Candy - Del Griffith
Steve Martin - Neal Page

“- Skip Skipperton: Do you know how I spend my every single solitary moment?
- Dr. Mumford: Jerking off?
- Skip Skipperton: No, that's a good guess though!”
Jason Lee - Skip Skipperton
Loren Dean - Mumford