Sex quotes

“- Congressman Sam Albert: [on TV] We knew that we had to monitor our enemies. We've also come to realise that we need to monitor the people who are monitoring them...
- Carla Dean: Well, who's gonna monitor the monitors of the monitors?
- Robert Clayton Dean: I wouldn't mind doing a little monitoring myself.
- Carla Dean: Yes, and you've got...” (continue)(continue reading)
Stuart Wilson - Congressman Sam Albert
Regina King - Carla Dean
Will Smith - Robert Clayton Dean
Jascha Washington - Eric Dean

“- Stacy: You can have one with the guy on top?
- Ilene: Mm-hmm.
- Stacy: I hate you!”

Lea Thompson - Stacy
Mary Gross - Ilene

“Wanna hear some poetry? There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!”
Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters

“- Joanne Herring: He may be in trouble with the press, but he stayed out of jail. You don't see God's hand in this?
- Gust Avrakotos: Well reasonable people can disagree, but I don't see God anywhere within miles of this. On the other hand, if you slept with me tonight, I bet you I could change my mind in a hurry.”
Julia Roberts - Joanne Herring
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Gust Avrakotos

“What if it was a one-night stand? Couldn't we still be friends? And if we were friends... couldn't we maybe have sex again?”
Dominique Swain - Andrea Marr

“- Carolyn Burnham: Lester, I refuse to live like this! This is not a marriage!
- Lester Burnham: This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, 'cause you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department!”
Annette Bening - Carolyn Burnham
Kevin Spacey - Lester Burnham

“- Killer Joe Cooper: We never discussed the possibility of a retainer.
- Chris Smith: What do you mean? Hey, man, you talking about my sister?
- Killer Joe Cooper: Is that who she is?”
Matthew McConaughey - Killer Joe Cooper
Emile Hirsch - Chris Smith

“Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!”
Jerry Stiller - Doc

“- Charles Ferry: If you were my girl, I'd make love to you in every room of the house, on every table top, on every rug...
- Skylar: We also have some lovely Early American chandeliers.”
Tim Roth - Charles Ferry
Drew Barrymore - Skylar

- Jimmy Dial: So, Farmer Brown says, "After I finished humping my goat, the goat turned around and licked my balls". At which point, the judge turned to Farmer Brown and said, "Hey, a good goat will do that". A good... Aw, come on. Gordy. I had everybody rolling with that this morning.
- Gordon Wisk: Yeah, you're sad, man. You're really sad.

Clay Banks - Jimmy Dial
Richard Steinmetz - Gordon Wink

“I'll have a bacon cheeseburger and a blowjob.”

William Forsythe - Spyder

“Massaging you is like kneading dough. And as for the sex, let me be honest. It's like sleeping with a damp sheep!”

Sascha Knopf - Tracey Kimberly

“- Al: How about sex?
- Ed: I'm sorry, Al, but I'm gonna have to pass. And it's not an age thing, 'cause you are still a handsome man.”
Martin Landau - Al
Matthew McConaughey - Ed

“- Betty: It's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
- Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
- Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.”
Madeline Kahn - Betty
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“I'm angry. I'm very angry, Ralph. You know, you can ball my wife if she wants you to. You can lounge around here on her sofa, in her ex-husband's dead-tech, post-modernistic bullshit house if you want to. But you do not get to watch my fucking television set!”
Al Pacino - Lt. Vincent Hanna

“- Susan Charles: When he fails... he's intolerable.
- Childress: How is he performing in bed?
- Susan Charles: Robin wants to please me. That's the main thing, isn't it? He needs a rest. No more tests for at least a month.
- Childress: Sorry.”
Fiona Lewis - Susan Charles
John Cassavetes - Childress

“Frenchmen aren't afraid of good strong sex!”
Dame Angela Lansbury - Mrs. Salome Otterbourne

“- Andrew: You just lust after her, that's all. You're not in love with her. You want to sleep with her.
- Maxwell: How could anyone just want to sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot! She's very hot.
- Andrew: I know.
- Maxwell: You know, the ones that are incredible in bed are ones that are raised in a convent.”
Woody Allen - Andrew
Tony Roberts - Maxwell

“- Haley Sullivan: And I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time, 'cause I can!
- Claire Foster: Three guys at once? That's a nightmare. That is literally a recurring stress dream that I have. I can only think of jobs for two. Oh, no, I got it.
- Haley Sullivan: Yeah, there's that one.”
Kristen Wiig - Haley Sullivan
Tina Fey - Claire Foster

- Janek: You know, if you wanna get laid, you really don't have to pretend to be interested in the pyramid scan. I mean, you could just say, "Hey, I'm trying to get laid." Heh.
- Meredith Vickers: I could. I could say that, right? But then it wouldn't make sense why I would fly myself half a billion miles from every man on Earth if I wanted to... (continue)(continue reading)
Idris Elba - Janek
Charlize Theron - Meredith Vickers

“- Wilf Bond: I read somewhere that the average man thinks of sex every seven seconds.
- Reggie Paget: Do you?
- Wilf Bond: I wish, it was only every seven seconds.”
Billy Connolly - Wilf Bond
Tom Courtenay - Reggie Paget

“Your orgasm is our business.”

Klaus Kinski - Dr. Hugo Zuckerbrot

“- Dottie: Are you sexually active?
- Inez: No, I just lie there.”
Jill Eikenberry - Dottie
Wendie Malick - Inez

Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine".
John Turturro - Roland T. Flakfizer

“- Lady at polo match: Edward is our most eligible bachelor, everyone is trying to land him.
- Vivian Ward: Oh, I'm not trying to land him, I'm just using him for sex.”
Julia Roberts - Vivian Ward