Wife quotes

“- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She's getting old.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, women age like... like fine wine.
- Walter: She's aging like milk!”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“She may be your wife but I stick my ding-a-ling in her every night, so that makes her mine.”
Baha Jackson - Young Doughboy

“Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives!”
Jeremy Northam - Mr Knightley

“I came here to strangle you!”

Woody Allen - Isaac

“A word of advice. You want to pull a scam, don't make your wife a partner. And if you do, don't fuck around behind her back.”
Sam Neill - John Trent

- Jennifer Haines: Didn't anyone ever say no to you before?
- David Edgar Greenhill: Yes, my wife said "No" just before I threw her out the window.
Rebecca De Mornay - Jennifer Haines
Don Johnson - David Edgar Greenhill

“My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.”
Bill Cosby - Bill Cosby

“You know what the biggest difference between me and a rich man is? He has my bitchy wife and I don't! And if he were smart, he would ask himself why!”

Howard Hesseman - Ed Tuttle

“- Jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
- Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
- Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a first cousin?
- Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom.”
Leonardo DiCaprio - Jordan Belfort
Jonah Hill - Donnie Azoff

“- Walter: Doctor said it's bad for my heart.
- Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
- Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
- Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
- Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?”
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. Anymore.”
Johnny Depp - Mort Rainey

- Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe. It...
- Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Could have happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week".

Bruce McGill - Mike Matthews
Bruce Willis - Joe Hallenbeck

“- Dr. Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
- Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd...” (continue)(continue reading)
Caroline Aaron - Dr. Marcia Fieldstone
Tom Hanks - Sam Baldwin

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why do you have a girlfriend?
- Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
- Paul Vitti: That's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“Pete Garrison was my best friend. Until he slept with my wife.”
Kiefer Sutherland - David Breckinridge

“It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating.”
Steve Coogan - Dana Marschz

“I lost your mother after twenty two months of marriage. It was enough for a lifetime.”
Donald Sutherland - Reverend Monroe

- British Journalist: And what did your wife say when she saw your face?
- Niki Lauda: She said, "Sweetie, you don't need a face to drive. You just need a right foot".
Jay Simpson - British Journalist
Daniel Brühl - Niki Lauda

“Your aim is as bad as your cooking sweetheart.”
Brad Pitt - John Smith

“I sleep with my wife, but I live with my partners.”
Treat Williams - Detective Daniel Ciello

“- Everett: Well, you lying... unconstant... succubus!
- Vernon T. Waldrip: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't swear at my fiancé!
- Everett: Oh, yeah? Well, you can't marry my wife!”
George Clooney - Everett
Ray McKinnon - Vernon T. Waldrip

“- Female Writer: Husband says, 'Darling, you can't leave. What would it take to make you stay?'.
- Father Writer: She says, 'Try chloroform'. Ha! Ha!
- Son Writer: This isn't a comedy.
- Female Writer: That wasn't a joke.”
Anne De Salvo - Female Writer
Robert Klein - Father Writer
Peter MacNicol - Son Writer

“- Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
- Stan: If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.”
Oliver Hardy - Oliver
Stan Laurel - Stan

"Oh, most loving and delightful wife". I can never make out if that's grief or relief.
Sir Kenneth Branagh - James Moon

“You, with your nice job and your big house, and you still have to pay for a wife.”

Vincent Cassel - Alexei