Wife quotes

“I have good looking kids; thank god my wife cheats on me.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“Wife's making her famous deviled eggs again, my waistline's furious.”
Michael Delaney - Bob Littleford

- Walter: I don't wanna go home.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Walter: I think my house is haunted.
- Jeff Dunham: Why do you think that?
- Walter: My wife is there. I walk in the front door and all I hear is: "Get out!".
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“- Alabama: Have you seen your lovely little wife today?
- Clarence Worley: Are you speaking of my beautiful, charming, sexy wife, Mrs. Alabama Worley?
- Alabama: Why, are there any others, Mr. Worley?
- Clarence Worley: No, none for me.”
Patricia Arquette - Alabama Whitman
Christian Slater - Clarence Worley

“- Buck: She used to ride shotgun for me. Then she said it got, uh, got too hard on her ovaries.
- Marshal Curly Wilcox: What's an ovary?
- Buck: Well, near as I can tell, it's uh, you know, part of her machinery.
- Marshal Curly Wilcox: Oh.”

John Schneider - Buck - Overland Stage Driver
Johnny Cash - Marshal Curly Wilcox

“I don't know if I started drinking 'cause my wife left me or my wife left me 'cause I started drinking, but fuck it anyway.”
Nicolas Cage - Ben Sanderson

“These dice are colder than my first wife.”
Peter Falk - Harry Sears

“I'm an actor, Frank! All I want to do is act in movies, and cheat on my wife. Is that too much to ask?”
Angus Macfadyen - Peter Lawford

“- Bletch: Hey Barry, how's your handicap?
- Barry the Bulldog: She's at home boss. Baking a cake.”
Peter Vere-Jones - Bletch
Mark Hadlow - Barry the Bulldog

“- Dave: You slept with my wife!
- Theo: You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!”
Matt Besser - Dave
Chris Parnell - Theo

The last time I saw Lempke, he looked me in the eye and said "Hey, how that pretty little wife of yours? Aaw, don't matter, 'cause you'll see her soon!". Mister, my wife's been dead for five years! And he knew it.

Peter Maloney - Biff Quigley

“I love my wife. She likes to break beer bottles over people's heads. That's what she loves.”
Sean Penn - Eddie Quinn

“- Party Woman: Libby, this is Natalie Standish. Natalie is Reed's... Oh, is it alright to...
- Natalie Standish: Say that Reed got me pregnant when I was a barhop at your country club? Married me to avoid scandal? Spent the next ten years sucking the life out of me? Got bored with me, dumped me, and screwed me in court? Sure, go ahead.
- Party...” (continue)(continue reading)
Shelby Leverington - Party Woman
JoBeth Williams - Natalie Standish

“- King Henry VIII: Since when are you a diplomat?
- Queen Katherine: I am my father's daughter.
- King Henry VIII: You are my wife. You are not my minister, you are not my chancellor, but my wife.”
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers - King Henry VIII
Maria Doyle Kennedy - Queen Katherine

“I understand you're searching for your lovely wife Helen... who I truly believe you will find, because good always conquers over evil.”
Michael Patrick Hogan - Duane

“- David Shaw: We're in love, sir.
- Steven Taylor: That's it? You steal the crown jewel of a man's soul, and your only excuse is some candy ass Hallmark card sentiment? Even if it were true, that's not good enough!”

Viggo Mortensen - David Shaw
Michael Douglas - Steven Taylor

“- Ivan Travalian: I have done many terrible things in my life but I have never put another man's wife in my bed.
- Larry Kotzwinkle: Wasn't she married to that Spanish painter when you slept with her?
- Ivan Travalian: Don't prove me wrong, Larry, I hate it when I'm proven wrong.”
Al Pacino - Ivan Travalian
Frederic Kimball - Larry Kotzwinkle

“Your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman, it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!”
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

- Paul Vitti: You're turning me down?
- Dr. Ben Sobel: When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.
- Paul Vitti: You, with your schmucky little office in your schmucky little home, you're turning me down? For what, so you can go back and listen to housewives piss and moan about how nobody fucks 'em right anymore?
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

“- Nekron: Why have you brought me this?
- Juliana: This is your bride, my son. She will be mother to your sons.
- Nekron: How thoughtful, Mother. I need no bride, and no sons.
- Juliana: But you need heirs.
- Nekron: I need nothing!”
Sean Hannon - Nekron
Eileen O'Neill - Juliana

“- Perfect Tommy: Pictures don't lie.
- Reno Nevada: The hell they don't. I met my first wife that way.”
Lewis Smith - Perfect Tommy
Pepe Serna - Reno Nevada

“Keep cooking like that and I won't even be able to move, let alone do science.”

Larry Blamire - Dr. Paul Armstrong

“- Angel Clare: Leave that! You're my wife, not my servant!
- Tess: I'm your wife? You don't want to live with me. You want to go, don't you?
- Angel Clare: I couldn't stay without despising myself. What is worse, without despising you.”
Peter Firth - Angel Clare
Nastassja Kinski - Tess

“- May-Alice Culhane: His wife's not worried.
- Chantelle: Should she be?
- May-Alice Culhane: Why worry about some cripple who's got a freezer compartment for a pussy.
- Chantelle: Don't be like that.”
Mary McDonnell - May-Alice Culhane
Alfre Woodard - Chantelle

“It's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. Coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things.”
Kate Winslet - April Wheeler