Billy Crystal movie quotes

“Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt...” (continue)(continue reading)
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“Here's what I think you should do. I would do whatever he says. If he wants you to talk, talk. I would get on all fours and bark like a dog. I would do whatever it takes. Smoke some joints! Drink some wine! Whatever it is, to get off on each other and be happy. I mean, come on, look at the two of you! Where are you running? This is the time to...” (continue)(continue reading)

Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel

“- Mike: I think I have a plan here: using mainly spoons, we dig a tunnel under the city and release it into the wild.
- Sulley: Spoons?
- Mike: That's it, I'm out of ideas. We're closed. Hot air balloon? Too expensive. Giant slingshot? Too conspicuous. Enormous wooden horse? Too Greek.”
Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

“- Curly: I've been with lots of women.
- Mitch Robbins: Yeah, but, you know, she could have been the love of your life.
- Curly: She is.”
Jack Palance - Curly
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Mitch Robbins: Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?
- Curly: The day ain't over yet.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins
Jack Palance - Curly

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal

“You look marvelous.”

Billy Crystal

“- Roz: Wazowski! You didn't file your paperwork last night.
- Mike: Oh, that darn paperwork! Wouldn't it be easier if it all just blew away?
- Roz: Don't let it happen again.
- Mike: Yes, well, I'll try to be more careful next time.
- Roz: I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.”
Bob Peterson - Roz
Billy Crystal - Mike

“- Don: Sherri and I are engaged.
- Mike Wazowski: Who's Sherri?
- Squishy: She's my Mom.
- Don: Don't worry Scott. I don't want you to think of me as your new dad. After all, we're fraternity brothers first.
- Squishy: This is so weird.
- Don: Just think of me as your big brother that's marrying your mother. Wait, hold on, we're brothers who...” (continue)(continue reading)
Joel Murray - Don
Billy Crystal - Mike
Peter Sohn - Squishy

“I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship.”

Billy Crystal - Mike

“- Mickey Gordon: What are you? Tired?
- Dan Majerle: Yeah, your girlfriend kept waking me up last night.”

Billy Crystal - Mickey Gordon
Dan Majerle - Dan Majerle

“- Danny Costanzo: We can move down here.
- Ray Hughes: No, being a cop down here wouldn't be the same.
- Danny Costanzo: I don't mean being a cop. I mean to quit, retire, be a regular person.
- Ray Hughes: Regular people suck!
- Danny Costanzo: Maybe, but they hardly ever get shot.”
Billy Crystal - Danny Costanzo
Gregory Hines - Ray Hughes

“- Sulley: I act scary, Mike. But most of the time, I'm terrified.
- Mike: How come you never told me that before?
- Sulley: Because we weren't friends before.”
Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

“- Harry Burns: Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?
- Sally Albright: Well, sometimes I vary it a little.
- Harry Burns: Which part?
- Sally Albright: What I'm wearing.”
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns
Meg Ryan - Sally Albright

“- Mike: I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
- Celia: What did you say?
- Mike: I said... Sulley!
- Celia: Sulley?!”

Billy Crystal - Mike
Jennifer Tilly - Celia

You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd'. We're going to rope you today". Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow.
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Mike: I can't believe it...
- Sulley: Oh, Mike...
- Mike: I was on TV! Ha! Did you see me? I'm a natural.”

Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave". Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile.

Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

“- Momma: Who the hell are you?
- Larry: I'm Owen's friend.
- Momma: Owen doesn't have a friend!
- Larry: That's because he's shy.
- Momma: No he's not. He's fat and he's stupid!”
Anne Ramsey - Momma
Billy Crystal - Larry

“You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.”
Billy Crystal - Miracle Max

“Roz, my tender, oozing blossom, you're looking fabulous today. Is that a new haircut? Come on, tell me it's a new haircut, isn't it? It's got to be a new haircut. New makeup? You had a lift? You had a tuck? You had something? Something has been inserted in in you that makes you look... Listen, I need a favor.”
Billy Crystal - Mike

“- Mitch: Don't mess with us! We're from New York.
- Duke: If you ever talk to me like that again, I'm gonna turn your balls into earrings.
- Mitch: Go for it.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins
Jack Palance - Duke Washburn

“- Larry: Owen, what the hell did you do to my wife?
- Owen: I don't want to say over the phone. All I can tell ya is that I killed her last night.”

Billy Crystal - Larry
Danny DeVito - Owen

Survival rule number three, kid: you're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie".
Billy Crystal - Lee Phillips

“This is your mother's fault. It's like voodoo. She knows where I am every second.”

Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel