Woody Allen movie quotes

“Sex alleviates tension. Marriage causes it.”
Woody Allen

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Woody Allen

“Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ‘Embraceable You’ in spats.”
Woody Allen

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.”
Woody Allen

“Intellectuals are like the Mafia, they only kill their own.”
Woody Allen

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Woody Allen

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
Woody Allen

“I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
Woody Allen

“When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
Woody Allen

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”
Woody Allen

“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
Woody Allen

“- Harry Block: Cookie is the nanny.
- Doris: The nanny! Where did you get her, from an agency or a massage parlor?
- Harry Block: Oh jesus! She's a sweet kid, what are you picking on?
- Doris: Ah, still with the sex pots, the tramps, the vilda chayes.”

Woody Allen - Harry Block
Caroline Aaron - Doris

“He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”
Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
Woody Allen

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree', probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
Woody Allen

“I took a speed reading course and read 'war and peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
Woody Allen

“It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
Woody Allen

“Why are our days numbered and not say lettered?”
Woody Allen

“A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.”
Woody Allen

“If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
Woody Allen - Boris

“There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!”
Woody Allen - Boris

“The question is: have I learned anything about life? Only that... only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. ”
Woody Allen - Boris

“When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be.”
Woody Allen - Victor

“I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.”
Woody Allen - Sperm

“- Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
- Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.”
Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey
Woody Allen - Victor