Woody Allen movie quotes

“- Greek Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
- Lenny Weinrib: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
- Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.”
F. Murray Abraham - Greek Chours Leader
Woody Allen - Lenny

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
Woody Allen

“The nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.”
Woody Allen - Val

“- Nick: Am I the kind of guy who loses his temper?
- Deborah: Please! You smashed the mime in the jaw!
- Nick: I gave him 100 bucks...”
Woody Allen - Nick
Bette Midler - Deborah

“- Sam: I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle.
- Sandy Bates: And since then?
- Sam: I also had two.”
J.E. Beaucaire - Sam
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- Isaac: I got a kid, he's being raised by two women at the moment.
- Mary: I mean I think that works. They made some studies, I read in one of the psychoanalytic quarterlies. You don't need a male, I mean. Two mothers are absolutely fine.
- Isaac: Really? Because I always feel very few people survive one mother.”
Woody Allen - Isaac
Diane Keaton - Mary

“There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That's why you gotta build a survival kit!”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives.”
Woody Allen - Andrew

“Adopt, what. I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award winning genes.”
Woody Allen - Lenny

“You're a writer, you have a gift. You should have a girlfriend who's helpful and encouraging.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Nick: I don't know how our marriage lasted.
- Deborah: Mutual death wish.”
Woody Allen - Nick
Bette Midler - Deborah

“Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
Woody Allen

“If it turns out that there is a God I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
Woody Allen

“- Lenny Weinrib: He's dicking around in agriculture.
- Linda Ash: What's wrong with his dick?”
Woody Allen - Lenny
Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash

“- Lenny Weinrib: I'm completely superfluous.
- Kevin: Oh, you don't feel good?”
Woody Allen - Lenny
Michael Rapaport - Kevin

“I came here to strangle you!”

Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Steffi: Over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.
- Joe: That's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.”
Goldie Hawn - Steffi
Woody Allen - Joe

“- Tina Vitale: They shot him in the eyes.
- Danny Rose: Oh my God, he's blind?
- Tina Vitale: He's dead...
- Danny Rose: Of course, the bullets would go right through...”
Mia Farrow - Tina Vitale
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“Never trust a guy who fumbles for the check, you know who wants to get the check, gets it.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Z: Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?
- Princess Bala: I guess I was looking for a little trouble.
- Z: Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.”
Woody Allen - Z
Sharon Stone - Princess Bala

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”
Woody Allen

“The question is not, 'How could this happen?' but 'Why doesn't this happen more often?'”
Woody Allen

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
Woody Allen