Woody Allen movie quotes

“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
Woody Allen

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Woody Allen

“If a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, you can always find some people who will call it art.”

Woody Allen - David Dobel

“What you don't know, won't hurt you, it'll kill you.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Isaac: You honestly think that I tried to run you over?
- Connie: You just happened to hit the gas as I walked in front of the car?
- Isaac: Did I do it on purpose?
- Jill: Well, what would Freud say?
- Isaac: Freud would say I really wanted to run her over, that's why he was a genius.”
Woody Allen - Isaac
Karen Ludwig - Connie
Meryl Streep - Jill

“You have to learn to take it apart and put it together blindfolded, cause you may have to do it some day in the dark.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a Godless universe I didn't wanna go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong, what if there is a God.”
Woody Allen - Mickey

“Handling dirt is... ugh... is not my idea of a rewarding career.”
Woody Allen - Z

“When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he wants is to exchange fluids.”

Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

“Are you divorced or widowed? Did your husband commit suicide? I could understand that.”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

“- General Mandible: You're an ant after my own heart, an ant who looks death in the face and laughs.
- Z: Actually, I generally just make belittling comments and snicker behind death's back.”
Gene Hackman - General Mandible
Woody Allen - Z

“- CW Briggs: Hide in the bedroom.
- Betty Ann Fitzgerald: Can I sit down in there or will I catch something?
- CW Briggs: Germs can't live in your blood, it's too cold.”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs
Helen Hunt - Betty Ann Fitzgerald

“I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.”
Woody Allen

Since the beginning of time people have been frightened, unhappy, scared of death, scared of getting old, and there's always been priests, shamans, shrinks around to tell 'em: "I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks". But they can't help you because life is what it is.
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
Woody Allen

“- Ray: I'm no genius, believe me, I'm no genius.
- Frenchy: Yeah, you don't have to sell me.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“- Burt: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
- Harry Block: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.”
Eric Bogosian - Burt
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey

“- Joe, the Narrator: Ceil adored a very prominent ventriloquist, and this always used to drive Abe crazy.
- Abe: He's a ventriloquist on the radio - how do you know he's not moving his lips?
- Ceil: Who cares? Leave me alone.”
Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator
Josh Mostel - Abe
Renée Lippin - Ceil

“We were just sort of sitting around and I put on a record of Louie Armstrong which was music I grew up with and it was very, very pretty, and I happened to glance over and I saw Dorrie sitting there. And I remember thinking to myself how terrific she was and how much I loved her. And I don't know, I guess it was a combination of everything, the...” (continue)(continue reading)
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“Marriage is the death of hope.”
Woody Allen

“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”
Woody Allen

“- Doris: You have no values. Your whole life, it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm and your orgasm.
- Harry Block: You know, in France I could run on that slogan and win.”
Caroline Aaron - Doris
Woody Allen - Harry Block

- Rain: I spent five days searching for the perfect word to describe the husband and that's when I came up with "apucious".
- Gabe: Apucious. I looked it up in the dictionary but I couldn't find it.
- Rain: Yeah, I know. I made it up.
- Gabe: Oh, really.
- Rain: Yeah. I thought it described him perfectly.
Juliette Lewis - Rain
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
Woody Allen