Woody Allen movie quotes

“- Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
- Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
- Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who...” (continue)(continue reading)
John Carradine - Doctor Bernardo
Woody Allen - Victor

“Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?”

Woody Allen - Victor

“With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!”
Woody Allen - The Fool

“- The Queen: Kiss me quick!
- The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?”
Lynn Redgrave - The Queen
Woody Allen - The Fool

“Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.”
Woody Allen - The Fool

I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing".
Woody Allen - Victor

“- Ray: For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.
- Frenchy: Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“- Gabe: Boy, I'd hate to be your boyfriend! He must go through hell.
- Rain: Well, I'm worth it.”
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth
Juliette Lewis - Rain

As you go through life there will be no shortage of people who will tell you how to live. They'll have all the answers for you. Don't argue with them. Say "Yes, that's a brilliant idea", and then do what you want.
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Irmy: I slept with someone for it. Does that makes me a whore?
- Kleinmann: This?
- Irmy: Just one person. Does that make me a whore?
- Kleinmann: Well, no, only by the dictionary definition.”

Mia Farrow - Irmy
Woody Allen - Kleinman

“My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent VanGogh.”
Woody Allen - Joe

“- Harry: Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?
- Cookie: Sure, that's how I make my livin'!”
Woody Allen - Harry Block
Hazelle Goodman - Cookie

“I can't listen to that much Wagner, you know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.”
Woody Allen - Larry Lipton

“- Isaac: I give the whole thing... four weeks. That's it.
- Mary: I, I can't plan that far in advance.
- Isaac: You can't plan four weeks in advance?
- Mary: No!
- Isaac: What kind of foresight is that?”
Woody Allen - Isaac
Diane Keaton - Mary

“Take my Aunt Rose. Not a beautiful woman at all. She looked like something from a live bait store.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“Don't listen to what your teachers tell you, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.”
Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

“It's like your I.Q. is suddenly in remission.”

Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“I drove up here today. I love driving. You run across so many interesting people.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“- Mary: What are you thinking?
- Isaac: I dunno, I was just thinking. There must be something wrong with me, because I've never had a relationship with a woman that's lasted longer than the one between Hitler and Eva Braun.”
Diane Keaton - Mary
Woody Allen - Isaac

“Christ, the gum is jet black already.”

Woody Allen - Nick

“- Gabe: Change equals death!
- Judy: What kind of bullshit? That's just a bullshit line! Maybe you fool your twenty-year-old students into thinking that's some kind of an insight or something, but it means nothing! Change is what life is made of! Change - if you don't change, you don't grow, you just shrivel up!”
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth
Mia Farrow - Judy Roth

How millions of sperm... competed for a single egg, not the other way around. Men would make love with any number of women... even total strangers, while females were selective. They were catering to the demands of one small egg. While males had millions of frantic sperms screaming: "Let us out, let us out!".
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Lenny Weinrib: You think I'm a loser?
- Linda Ash: Yeah, you've got no confidence, it's sweet, I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.
- Lenny Weinrib: I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to...”
Woody Allen - Lenny
Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash