Woody Allen movie quotes

“I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”
Woody Allen - Joe

“Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.”
Woody Allen - Lenny

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Woody Allen

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Woody Allen

“The house is messy. If I knew you were coming I'd have had the maid rearrange the dirt.”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

“I'll never gonna be Cary Grant. I don't care what anybody says.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“- Val: You know, part of me wants it so badly.
- Lori: And the other part?
- Val: Also wants it. That's the problem.”
Woody Allen - Val
Debra Messing - Lori

“- Ray: What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?
- Frenchy: I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“Between air conditioning and the Pope, I chose air conditioning.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Mary: Isn't it beautiful out?
- Isaac: Yeah, it's really so pretty when the light starts to come up.
- Mary: Yeah, I know. I love it.
- Isaac: Boy, this is really a great city, I don't care what anybody s-s - it's really a knock-out, you know?”

Diane Keaton - Mary
Woody Allen - Isaac

“The kids are wonderful and bright. You should see the creative ways they smuggle weapons past the metal detectors.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“Let's be real about this. Bala and I... Bala is a princess, and I'm a soil relocation engineer.”
Woody Allen - Z

“- Princess Bala: Don't you get it? I was slumming it. I chose you because you were the most pathetic little bug in the joint.
- Z: You know, I was going to let you become a part of my most erotic fantasies, but now you can just write it off.”
Sharon Stone - Princess Bala
Woody Allen - Z

“In my family nobody ever committed suicide, nobody... this was just not a middle-class alternative, you know? My mother was too busy running the boiled chicken through the deflavorizing machine to think about shooting herself or anything.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- David: So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?
- Ray: Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.”
Hugh Grant - David
Woody Allen - Ray

“I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because, you know, they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.”
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“- Val: We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.
- Psychiatrist: What happened?
- Val: It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.”
Woody Allen - Val
Peter Gerety - Psychiatrist

“The pill makes her crazy? She is crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.”

Woody Allen - David Dobel

“I had to have it engraved, because I could never remember your name.”

Woody Allen - Nick

- Jack: What is it the comedian says when his jokes are going well? "I murdered that audience", "I killed 'em". "They screamed", "I broke 'em up".
- Sandy Bates: Yeah. So, what are you saying? Are you saying that someone like myself or Laurel and Hardy or Bob Hope are furious?
- Jack: Furious or latent homosexual.
John Rothman - Jack Abel
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, ok. It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.”

Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

“You think quantum physics has the answer? What purpose does it serve for me that time and space are exactly the same thing?”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- UFO Follower: What have you got against intellectuals?
- Sandy Bates: Intellectuals? Nothing, why?
- UFO Follower: Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.
- Sandy Bates: Threatened? You're kidding me. I've always said they're like the mafia. They only kill their own.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- Harry Block: She's got a PhD, this girl.
- Doris: Really? I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A plus on her oral exam.”

Woody Allen - Harry Block
Caroline Aaron - Doris

“- Cassandra: Now I see big trouble!
- Lenny Weinrib: Oh for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra!
- Cassandra: I'm not 'such a Cassandra'; I am Cassandra!”
Danielle Ferland - Cassandra
Woody Allen - Lenny