Woody Allen movie quotes

The most important words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Ariel: How's your marriage?
- Andrew: My marriage is fine.
- Ariel: Ya?...
- Andrew: It's not working but it's fine.”
Mia Farrow - Ariel
Woody Allen - Andrew

“- Laura Kensington: I have a strawberry birthmark on my thigh. Want to see it?
- C.W. Briggs: Sure, when can I take the full tour?”
Charlize Theron - Laura Kensington
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

“- CW Briggs: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.
- Laura Kensington: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.
- CW Briggs: I used to date the six of spades.”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs
Charlize Theron - Laura Kensington

“- Maxwell: I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.
- Andrew: Well, smell someone else. She's taken.”
Tony Roberts - Maxwell
Woody Allen - Andrew

“- Isaac: It's an interesting group of people, your friends are.
- Mary: I know.
- Isaac: Like the cast of a Fellini movie.”
Woody Allen - Isaac
Diane Keaton - Mary

“I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.”
Woody Allen - Val

“- Z: I guess you prefer old Blood and Guts, huh? His idea of a romantic date is two seats at a public execution. Boy, you sure chose the right husband.
- Bala: For your information, the general and I are deeply, deeply in... in... engaged.”
Woody Allen - Z
Sharon Stone - Princess Bala

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“We live in perilous times. You got to keep alert. You don't want your life to wind up as black-and-white newsreel footage scored by a cello in a minor key.”
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“- Yale: You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean we're just people. We're just human beings, you know? You think you're God.
- Isaac: I gotta model myself after someone.”
Michael Murphy - Yale
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Mary: I'm honest, whaddya want? I say what's on my mind and, if you can't take it, well then fuck off!
- Isaac: And I like the way you express yourself too, y'know, it's pithy yet degenerate. You get many dates?”
Diane Keaton - Mary
Woody Allen - Isaac

“When it comes to relationships with women, I'm the winner of the August Strindberg Award.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Sandy Bates: What is this? The-the traditional brownies with hash? Is this what you're giving me?
- Shelley: No, no. Look, here's the hash on the side because I didn't know how much you took.
- Sandy Bates: How much I took? What is it, hollandaise sauce? What do you mean, how much I took?”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Joan: Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
- Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
- Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!”
Kirstie Alley - Joan
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Sandy Bates: Shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?
- Voice of Martian: Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And incidentally, you're also not Superman; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates
Woody Allen - Martian

“My ex-wife left me for another woman.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Ellie: Our marriage wasn't going anywhere.
- Val: Where do you want it to go? Where do marriages go? After a while they just lay there. That's the thing about marriages.”
Téa Leoni - Ellie
Woody Allen - Val

“- Joe: Carol was a poet and a member of 'MENSA' so...
- Steffi: She was a heroin addict!
- Joe: Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?”
Woody Allen - Joe
Goldie Hawn - Steffi

“That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.”

Woody Allen - David Dobel

“In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.”
Woody Allen - Joe

“- Carol Lipton: Did you see this? This man in Missouri killed twelve victims, dismembered them, and ate them.
- Larry Lipton: Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle.”
Diane Keaton - Carol Lipton
Woody Allen - Larry Lipton

“- Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.
- Joe: Hey, I picked you.
- Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.”
Goldie Hawn - Steffi
Woody Allen - Joe