Woody Allen movie quotes

“- Weaver: What are you bitching about? In case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show. We're the Lords of the Earth.
- Z: Hey, don't talk to me about Earth, okay, because I just spent all day hauling it around.”
Sylvester Stallone - Weaver
Woody Allen - Z

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“I've never paid for sex in my life.”
Woody Allen - Kleinman

“- Cookie: How come you got all this money?
- Harry Block: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.”
Hazelle Goodman - Cookie
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.”

Woody Allen - Andrew

“How many 16th anniversaries does a person have in a lifetime? One... maybe two.”
Woody Allen - Nick

“- Nick: Your constant interrupting of me...
- Deborah: Please! In sixteen years, I've never finished a sentence.”
Woody Allen - Nick
Bette Midler - Deborah

“- Mary: Facts? I got a million facts at my fingertips.
- Isaac: That's right, and they don't mean a thing, right? Because nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. Everything really valuable has to enter you through a different opening, if you'll forgive the disgusting imagery.”
Diane Keaton - Mary
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Tina Vitale: Hey, wait a minute! I know where we are. These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
- Danny Rose: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest.”

Mia Farrow - Tina Vitale
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“- Kleinmann: What better way to... to spend the rest of my life than... than to help you with... with all those wonderful illusions of yours!
- Roustabout: It's true. Everybody loves his illusions.
- Magician: Loves them. They need them. Like they need the air.”
Woody Allen - Kleinman
Richard Riehle - Roustabout
Kenneth Mars - Magician

“- Isaac: You call that guy that you talk to a doctor? I mean, you don't get suspicious when your analyst calls you at home at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone?
- Mary: All right, so he's unorthodox. He's a highly qualified doctor.
- Isaac: He's done a great job on you, y'know. Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.”
Woody Allen - Isaac
Diane Keaton - Mary

“I never forgot that New Year's Eve when Aunt Bea awakened me to watch 1944 come in. I've never forgotten any of those people or any of the voices we would hear on the radio. Though the truth is, with the passing of each New Year's Eve, those voices do seem to grow dimmer and dimmer.”
Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator

“- Weaver: Don't you want your aphid beer?
- Z: Call me crazy, but I have a thing about drinking from the anus of another creature.”
Sylvester Stallone - Weaver
Woody Allen - Z

“- Halley Reed: He was very eloquent on the subject of love, didn't you think?
- Cliff Stern: I wish I had met him before I got married. It would've saved me a gall bladder operation.”

Mia Farrow - Halley Reed
Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

“I've had six chauffeurs in two years. You get me drunks, guys who can't understand English, one guy ran over an old lady with me in the car and now this guy's wanted for mail fraud.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“For some miraculous reason, it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher you've seen dance naked in front of a mirror.”

Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator

“I know it's hard to take. Because we all want what we can't have in life.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“The two most important things are the work that you choose and sex.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“It's crazy. The town is jammed. I don't know, is the Pope in town, or some other show business figure?”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- Harry Block: You're air-conditioned here?
- The Devil: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block
Billy Crystal - The Devil

“- Linda Ash: You wanna know why I liked you right from the start?
- Lenny Weinrib: Why?
- Linda Ash: 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.”
Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash
Woody Allen - Lenny

“- Andrew: Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?
- Maxwell: She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.
- Andrew: Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
- Maxwell: You only live...” (continue)(continue reading)
Woody Allen - Andrew
Tony Roberts - Maxwell

“I don't wanna get my legs chopped off because I do a guy a favour.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“- Isaac's Son: Why can't we have frankfurters?
- Isaac: Because, this is the Russian Tea Room.”
Damion Scheller - Isaac's Son
Woody Allen - Isaac