Woody Allen movie quotes

“- Ray: Can we change the music, please? Because I feel like I should be wearing a wig.
- Frenchy: You will be in a couple of years.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“- Pam: Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.
- Alvy Singer: Thank you.
- Pam: It's a compliment.”
Shelley Duvall - Pam
Woody Allen - Alwy Singer

“- Ellie: We didn't communicate.
- Val: We had sex!
- Ellie: Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.
- Val: Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”
Téa Leoni - Ellie
Woody Allen - Val

“- Ray: You're still burning stuff down for insurance?
- Benny: I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Jon Lovitz - Benny

“- Judy: You get all soulful and pretend to want things that you really can't stand.
- Gabe: Like what? What are you talking about?
- Judy: Like moving to Europe. That's just a flirting technique, you couldn't survive off the island of Manhattan for more than 48 hours.”
Mia Farrow - Judy Roth
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls, which reminds me I should check my answering service.”
Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

- Sandy Bates: I gotta give my one classical-music joke which I put in every single picture and I invariably cut it out.
- Daisy: Yeah?
- Sandy Bates: Um, uh... "I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night".
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates
Jessica Harper - Daisy

“- Lenny Weinrib: You didn't see Schindler's List?
- Kevin: No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?
- Lenny Weinrib: The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.
- Kevin: They were tough motherfuckers.”
Woody Allen - Lenny
Michael Rapaport - Kevin

“- Z: Why'd I have to be born a worker? You soldiers get all the glory. Plus, you get to go out in the world. You know, you meet interesting insects; you get to kill them.
- Weaver: Yeah, but you get to spend all day with those beautiful worker girls.
- Z: Weaver, they're career girls. They're obsessed with digging.”
Woody Allen - Z
Sylvester Stallone - Weaver

“- Mickey's Father: You're gonna believe in Jesus Christ?
- Mickey: I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try.”
Leo Postrel - Mickey's Father
Woody Allen - Mickey

“- Joe, the Narrator: Then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject.
- Martin, the father: Wait, you think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?
- Tess, the mother: No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.
- Joe, the Narrator: I mean, how many people argue over oceans?”
Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator
Michael Tucker - Martin, the father
Julie Kavner - Tess, the mother

“- Fay: You love baseball.
- Harry Block: Baseball's easy because it has rules. It has foul lines.”
Elisabeth Shue - Fay
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.”
Woody Allen - Andrew

“- Max: Who is the boss between you and mommy?
- Lenny Weinrib: Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.”
Jimmy McQuaid - Max
Woody Allen - Lenny

You know there were actually groups in Germany called "Jews for Hitler"? They were deluded, they thought he'd be good for the country.
Woody Allen - David Dobel

“I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Party Guest: Biting satire is always better than physical force.
- Isaac: No, physical force is always better with Nazis.”
Helen Hanft - Party Guest
Woody Allen - Isaac

“- Ray: Today Denny got bit by a rat. We had to give him rabies shot.
- Frenchy: Who, the rat?”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“- Vivian Orkin: In this film, he played the part of God.
- Ghost of Sandy Bates: This was not easy, folks, because, uh, you know, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for God.
- Vivian Orkin: And he received an Academy Award for his convincing portrayal of God... although they had to use another actor's voice.”
Helen Hanft - Vivian Orkin
Woody Allen - Ghost of Sandy Bates

“Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“I think Mrs. Fong is Jewish.”

Woody Allen - Nick

“- Deborah: I have something to get you out of your midlife crisis.
- Nick: That can only mean a full-body vibrator!”

Bette Midler - Deborah
Woody Allen - Nick

- Ray: "The Brain". That's what the guys used to call me, right?
- Benny: But, Ray! That was sarcastic!
Woody Allen - Ray
Jon Lovitz - Benny

“- Nick: I liked her. I loved the sex.
- Deborah: So, you love me, but you only like the sex.”

Woody Allen - Nick
Bette Midler - Deborah

“- Val: For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
- Lori: From making love with you?”
Woody Allen - Val
Debra Messing - Lori