Woody Allen movie quotes

“Where I grew up in Brooklyn, everybody was too unhappy to commit suicide.”
Woody Allen - Cliff Stern

“- Joe: Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.
- Steffi: Madeline was a nymphomaniac!
- Joe: Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity. You know, I didn't happen to see it.”
Woody Allen - Joe
Goldie Hawn - Steffi

“Don't stare at me with those big eyes. Geez, you look like one of those barefoot kids from Boliva who needs foster parents.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“I was talking to your father before, and I was telling him that it's ironic I used to always have Thanksgiving with Hannah, and I never thought that I could love anybody else. And here it is years later and I'm married to you and completely in love with you.”

Woody Allen - Mickey

- Linda Ash: You're married, aren't you?
- Lenny Weinrib: How can you tell that?
- Linda Ash: 'Cause you got that look.
- Lenny Weinrib: "That look"? What... what look is that?
- Linda Ash: That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.
Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash
Woody Allen - Lenny

“- Cliff Stern: I actually wrote you a love letter.
- Halley Reed: I didn't get it.
- Cliff Stern: It's probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.”
Woody Allen - Cliff Stern
Mia Farrow - Halley Reed

“I don't wanna badmouth the kid, but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.”
Woody Allen - Danny Rose

“- Nick: Now I feel like the scumbag of all time.
- Deborah: You are.”

Woody Allen - Nick
Bette Midler - Deborah

“A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

“I'm a guy who can't function well in life but can in art.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Deborah: Do you really hate this dress?
- Nick: What I really hate is this jacket, this white jacket. I look like a Brazilian gigolo.”
Bette Midler - Deborah
Woody Allen - Nick

“I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.”
Woody Allen - Isaac

“What Aunt Bea did with the rest of the money was treat us all to a Broadway dance palace. She and Sy seemed very much in love, and she seemed happy. But it was not to be, because after a week Sy did not leave his wife and children, nor did he after two weeks nor ever. And as the year came to a close, Aunt Bea would soon be back to her old dreams...” (continue)(continue reading)
Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator

“Okay, I've gotta give myself a positive attitude. A good attitude even though I'm utterly insignificant. I'm, I'm insignificant... but with attitude.”

Woody Allen - Z

- TV Scientist: Einstein was then celebrating the seventieth birthday anniversary and there was a colloquium given for him. And he said, "God doesn't play dice with the universe".
- Gabe: No. He just plays hide-and-seek.
Nick Metropolis - TV Scientist
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“My clergyman, who happens to be wanted for pederasty, will vouch for me.”
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

- Fan: My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does.
- Sandy Bates: Oh, great.
- Fan: Can I have your autograph?
- Sandy Bates: Oh, jeez.
- Fan: Could you just write "To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch"?
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.
- Richard: He's younger than you are.
- Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block
Bob Balaban - Richard

“- Z: The whole system makes me feel... insignificant!
- Psychologist: Excellent. You've made a real breakthrough.
- Z: I have?
- Psychologist: Yes, Z. You are insignificant.”
Woody Allen - Z
Paul Mazursky - Psychologist

“- Harry: The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.
- Shrink: Why did they kick you out?
- Harry: Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block

“- Young Girl: I understand you studied philosophy at school.
- Sandy Bates: Uh, no, that's not true. I did take - I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh... at New York University, and on the final... they gave me ten questions, and I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates

“- Tracy: Let's fool around, it'll take your mind off it.
- Isaac: How many times a night can you, how, how often can you make love in an evening?
- Tracy: Well, a lot.
- Isaac: I can tell, a lot. That's, well, a lot is my favorite number.”
Mariel Hemingway - Tracy
Woody Allen - Isaac

- Joe: You were impossible to live with.
- Steffi: "I was impossible to live with", I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!
- Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.

Woody Allen - Joe
Goldie Hawn - Steffi

“- Chris Magruder: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
- CW Briggs: I know, perceptive.”
Dan Aykroyd - Chris Magruder
Woody Allen - CW Briggs

“- Fan in Lobby: Can I talk to you about an idea for a film I have?
- Sandy Bates: This is not the place.
- Fan in Lobby: Do you have a moment, please? It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass suicide.”
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates