Television quotes

“- Billie Jean: Who wants to watch this?
- Putter: I do!
- Ophelia: You like anything on the TV.”
Helen Slater - Billie Jean
Yeardley Smith - Putter
Martha Gehman - Ophelia

“Those poor schmucks… they drive Chevrolets, shop at Wal-Mart, never miss an episode of Friends. These are Americans.”
Morgan Freeman - Col. Abraham Curtis

“- Butt-head: This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score.
- Beavis: Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.
- Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.”
Mike Judge - Butt-Head
Mike Judge - Beavis

“This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box.”

David Strathairn - Edward R. Murrow

“Television can control public opinion more effectively than armies of secret police, because television is entirely voluntary. The American government forces our children to attend school, but nobody forces them to watch TV. Americans of all ages submit to television.”
James Coburn - John Reston

“- Gloria: The money was mine to keep for both of us when Jeopardy called.
- Billy: Jeopardy is not going to call, when are you going to fuckin' wake up.
- Gloria: Jeopardy is going to call Billy, it is my destiny that I triumph magnificently on that show and I'll never do that if I have to wear this stupid hoochie-mama looking dress that you...” (continue)(continue reading)
Rosie Perez - Gloria Clemente
Woody Harrelson - Billy Hoyle

“- Dennis Watson: Tell me, Mr. Gardner... have you ever had sex with a man?
- Chance: No... I don't think so.
- Dennis Watson: We could go upstairs right now.
- Chance: Is there a TV upstairs? I like to watch.”
Mitch Kreindel - Dennis Watson
Peter Sellers - Chance

- Taylor Vaughan: What kind of a name is "Zach"? Ok, Brock is from "The Real World".
- Zach Siler: What, Resceda?
- Taylor Vaughan: No, like the TV show. "Real World LA", second season, hello!
- Zach Siler: The dyslexic volleyball guy? They kicked him out of the house.
Jodi Lyn O'Keefe - Taylor Vaughan
Freddie Prinze Jr. - Zack Siler

“- Tom Hardy: How was California?
- Danny Detillo: Sunny.
- Tom Hardy: Sunny? You've been out there two years and that's all you've got to say?
- Danny Detillo: The Simpsons are on an hour earlier.”
Bruce Willis - Det. Tom Hardy
Tom Sizemore - Det. Danny Detillo

The "Transformers" were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons, like the "Transformers".
Jeff Anderson - Randal

- Mike: I'm telling you, Big Daddy. You're gonna be seeing this face on TV more often.
- Sulley: Yeah, like on "Monstropolis' Most Wanted"?

Billy Crystal - Mike
John Goodman - Sullivan

“- Marge Simpson: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
- Homer Simpson: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.”
Julie Kavner - Marge Simpson
Dan Castellaneta - Homer Simpson

“- Muddy Grimes: You guys are late.
- Butt-head: Really? Did we miss Baywatch?”
Bruce Willis - Muddy Grimes
Mike Judge - Butt-Head

- Mackenzie Siler: When was the last time you tweezed?
- Laney Boggs: What?
- Mackenzie Siler: I mean your eyebrows.
- Laney Boggs: Never, why?
- Mackenzie Siler: Ever watch "Sesame Street"?
- Laney Boggs: Yeah.
- Mackenzie Siler: You know Bert?
Anna Paquin - Mackenzie Siler
Rachael Leigh Cook - Laney Boggs

I watched four episodes of "Lassie" before I figured out why the little hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he rolled over, sure, he did that fine, but I don't think he deserved a series for that.
Robert Picardo - Wak

“- Joey Ballard: I'll be home for dinner. What are you fixin'?
- Laurie Ballard: La specialty of the house; chicken à la TV dinners.”
Nicolas Beauvy - Joey Ballard
Pamelyn Ferdin - Laurie Ballard

“I've come for your tv. You've been using too much juice. Another 10,000 kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old, homicidal loony can use that much power.”
Jonathan Banks - Lizardo Hospital Guard

“Ya?... Hi Joan. How are you doin?... Ahh, it's gotta be Kevin's... Victor? How could it be Victor's? Thought he got a vasectomy... It didn't take?”

Michael Keaton - Jack

- Buffy Gilmore: Hey do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?
- Brenda Meeks: Oh please. The press only wanna interview the most ignorant person they find.
- Shorty Meeks: I'm on T.V. Oh shit, first "Cops" now this. I'm gonna be a star, son.
Shannon Elizabeth - Buffy Gilmore
Regina Hall - Brenda Meeks
Marlon Wayans - Shorty Meeks

“[as Gammy Num-Nums] And yet, Backstreet Boy, this is one girl who isn't content to be the Malcolm in your middle!”
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey

“I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?”
Damon Wayans - Maj. Benson Payne

“There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.”
Mike Judge - Mr. Van Driessen

“- Timon: What's going on here? Pumbaa, are you sitting on the remote?
- Pumbaa: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie.”

Nathan Lane - Timon
Ernie Sabella - Pumbaa

“- Bob Steckler: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
- George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.”
David Bowe - Bob Steckler
Weird Al - George Newman

The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play "Mortal Kombat" with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
Jim Carrey - The Cable Guy