Television quotes

“This object I'm holding here is called... well, some of you may have seen one before, it's called a book. You may have seen one on television.”
Denholm Elliott - Headmaster

“- Tammy: Well, how am I gonna get a babysitter?
- Ronnie Dobbs: Ain't you got a T.V.?
- Tammy: Yeah.
- Ronnie Dobbs: Well alright then. See ya tonight.”
Jill Talley - Tammy
David Cross - Ronnie Dobbs

“- George Bennings: How much more of this crap is there?
- Dr. Copper: Well, nine hours, I'd say.
- George Bennings: We can't learn anything from this.
- Dr. Copper: Guess not.”

Peter Maloney - George Bennings
Richard Dysart - Dr. Copper

“You gotta mix a little reality in with your imagination to achieve happiness in your life. And you've gotta overcome your programming - which in your case is a thirty-year-old television show.”
William Shatner - Bill

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Woody Allen - Gabe Roth

“- Esther Bilchik: What's this?
- Harvey Bilchik: Oh, it's the deed to channel 62. I won it with a pair of 7s. I was bluffing.
- Esther Bilchik: Channel 62? Never heard of it.
- Harvey Bilchik: I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.”
Sue Ane Langdon - Esther Bilchik
Stanley Brock - Harvey Bilchik

- Young prostitute: What have you got in mind?
- Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon): Well, I want you to come home and watch television with me.
- Young prostitute: You serious?
- Martin Riggs (Lethal Weapon): Yeah. "The 3 Stooges" are on in 20 minutes.

Mel Gibson - Martin Riggs

“What you've just witnessed is, in many ways, a life-sized video game. You saw a liar talk to a killer and you couldn't tell them apart. But hey, it's only television. As you may know, television programs are just the filler between attempts to steal your money. So if you want to save some, turn me off. It's a simple movement, done with the hand...” (continue)(continue reading)
Rutger Hauer - John Tanner

“- Darnell: What's up, Ma? You been watching the talk shows?
- Ma Wright: I don't watch that junk! I've got enough trouble in my life already!”
Martin Lawrence - Darnell Wright
Della Reese - Ma Wright

“- Stokely: In an insane society, the sane man must appear insane.
- Harvey Holroyd: Where'd you get that?
- Stokely: Star Trek.
- Harvey Holroyd: God, I miss that show.”
Anthony Battaglia - Stokely
Martin Mull - Harvey

“- Jeffrey Wigand: I'm just a commodity to you, aren't I? I could be anything. Right? Anything worth putting on between commercials.
- Lowell Bergman: To a network, probably, we're all commodities. To me? You are not a commodity. What you are is important.”
Russell Crowe - Jeffrey Wigand
Al Pacino - Lowell Bergman

“- Maxwell Danforth: Suppose I was to tell you that our enemies are capable of impairing rational thought, of dismantling our willingness to defend ourself, of dissociating whole societies from their value systems.
- John Tanner: You mean they've got televisions.”
Burt Lancaster - Maxwell Danforth
Rutger Hauer - John Tanner

“If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.”
Winona Ryder - Veronica

“The average American now spends more than one and a half years of his life just watching television commercials. Fifty minutes, every day of his life, watching commercials. Now, that's power.”
James Coburn - John Reston

Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Dana Carvey - Garth Algar

“Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time? Nah, don't feel bad. No one can.”
David Spade - Video Store Clerk

“- Steve Butabi: I miss him.
- Kamehl Butabi: He's in the guest house. It's 10 feet away. It's a mansion in there.
- Steve Butabi: It doesn't have cable.
- Kamehl Butabi: Yes it does. It has Cinemax!
- Steve Butabi: But there's no HBO! God!”

Will Ferrell - Steve Butabi
Dan Hedaya - Kamehl Butabi

“- David Herdeg: Hey, I know this guy. Is this another movie?
- Allison Hayes: No, David, it's not another movie.”

Michael Paré - David Herdeg
Nancy Allen - Allison Hayes

“Friends, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye. There's a powerful evil force in the universe that lives in Channel 8 and I've seen it. And I don't want to go pop its ugly greasy head around here. Do you?”
Michael Richards - Stanley Spadowski

- Sam Stone: Did you see Carson last night?
- Harvey Holroyd: No, I missed it.
- Sam Stone: Johnny had this chick on with incredible jugs, and he turned to the audience and says "We'll be right back after a few tits from our sponsor".
- Harvey Holroyd: Come on.
- Sam Stone: I swear to god. I swear to god! I almost fell out of bed!
Bill Macy - Sam
Martin Mull - Harvey

“- Steven M. Kovacs: Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
- The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!”
Matthew Broderick - Steven M. Kovacs
Jim Carrey - The Cable Guy

“Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight loss programs... all next week on Town Talk.”

Weird Al - George Newman

“All these kids, they're all tv babies. Watching people killing and fucking each other on the boob tube for so long it's all they know. Hell, they think it's legal. They think it's the right thing to do.”
Matt Dillon - Bob

“You know these actors are mainly models, which are mainly faggots. And the rest are assholes. Know what bugs me the most about those soaps? It's people with no lives, watching other people's fake lives.”
Aaron Eckhart - Del Sizemore

“- Kermit the Frog: Maybe we should give him a ride.
- Fozzie Bear: I don't know, he's pretty big. Hey there, wanna lift?
- Big Bird: No thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.”
Jim Henson - Kermit the Frog
Frank Oz - Fozzie Bear
Caroll Spinney - Big Bird