Steve Martin movie quotes

“- Lorraine Baker: You know how I feel about camping.
- Tom Baker: But, we're staying in a house.
- Lorraine Baker: A house with no air conditioning. That makes it camping.”
Hilary Duff - Lorraine Baker
Steve Martin - Tom Baker

“I gotta keep telling the truth, even if it scares the shit out of me, like it scares the shit out of you. Even if it means some motherfucker can blow a big hole in my leg for a watch, and I'm gonna walk with a fucking limp for the rest of my life and call myself lucky.”

Steve Martin - Davis

“- Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
- Little Girl: But I thought...
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a...” (continue)(continue reading)
Mya Stark - Little Girl
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr

“I'm not really jogging. I only ran about fifty yards. This is not real sweat, either. I sprayed it on. They sell this at sporting goods stores. It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes. This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player immediately after a double overtime game.”

Steve Martin - Larry

“A woman is like a slingshot. The greater the resistance, the further you can get with her.”
Steve Martin - Jonas

“- Navin: I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
- Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.”
Steve Martin - Navin
Dick O'Neill - Frosty

“- Patty Bernstein: Give me a bite of that corn dog.
- Navin: What about germs?
- Patty Bernstein: Put a rubber on it.”
Catlin Adams - Patty Bernstein
Steve Martin - Navin

“- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.
- Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.”
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr
David Warner - Dr. Alfred Necessiter

“- Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification.
- Navin: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license and my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.”
David Landsberg - Bank Manager
Steve Martin - Navin

“- Charlene Morton: Pretend I'm your wife. Talk dirty to me.
- Peter Sanderson: Um, okay... I wanna kiss you a lot!”
Queen Latifah - Charlene Morton
Steve Martin - Peter Sanderson

“Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.”
Steve Martin - Jimmy Dell

“Death's a breeze. Ever hear someone come back to complain?”
Steve Martin - Jonas

“- Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Permission to speak freely, Sarge.
- Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want.”
Daryl Mitchell - Pfc. Wally Holbrook
Steve Martin - Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko

“This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.”
Steve Martin - Bowfinger

“- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Dolores, I am making a citizen's divorce.
- Dolores: What?
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void! E pluribus unum!”
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr
Kathleen Turner - Dolores Benedict

“- C.D. Bales: Do you know the phrase carpe diem?
- Chris: It's, it's fish, fish bait, right?”
Steve Martin - C. D. Bales
Rick Rossovich - Chris

“Mount up! ... It means get on your horses.”
Steve Martin - Lucky Day

“We need a guy with a fabulous ass! And mine is the wrong color!”
Steve Martin - Bowfinger

"Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraten's body. Her hips twitched and trembled as each fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon erupted like molten lava into the quivering mouth of her ever-fluttering love purse".

Steve Martin - Larry

“Some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don't need rather than make a stink.”
Steve Martin - George Banks

“- Warren: First time lonely guy?
- Larry: What's a lonely guy?”
Charles Grodin - Warren
Steve Martin - Larry

“You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.”
Steve Martin - Neal Page

“There's someone out there for everyone. Even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.”
Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher

“- Warren: My girl Melanie just left me.
- Larry: What'd she leave you for?
- Warren: She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.
- Larry: Gee, that sounds tough.”
Charles Grodin - Warren
Steve Martin - Larry

“- Roger Cobb: What the hell are you doing in there?
- Edwina Cutwater: Oh God, don't you guys get enough laughs up there? What have I ever done to you?”

Steve Martin - Roger Cobb
Lily Tomlin - Edwina Cutwater