Disease quotes

“I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. They advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures!”
Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

“My son is dying and I'm broke. If I don't qualify for Medicare, who the hell does?”
Denzel Washington - John Quincy Archibald

“I am not going to bury my son. My son is going to bury me.”
Denzel Washington - John Quincy Archibald

“- Sterling: Darius once said you were the saddest person he knew.
- Jeffrey: Why did he say that?
- Sterling: Because he was sick. He had a fatal disease. And he was a million times happier than you.”
Sir Patrick Stewart - Sterling
Steven Weber - Jeffrey

“- Ophelia: You're supposed to be taking your medication! Your father says please give him his pills!
- Lloyd: I haven't had a pill since we left the house, haven't wheezed once.”
Martha Gehman - Ophelia
Keith Gordon - Lloyd

“Life's a tradeoff. It's finally legal to smoke dope, but you got to have cancer.”
Susan Sarandon - Jackie Harrison

“When you get sick, you think about your life and how you're going to be remembered. You know what I realized would happen when I go? A ten percent fall in share prices. Maybe twelve. And that's it.”
Lance Henriksen - Charles Bishop Weyland

“At the end, I had my father in a nursing home. I gave him the best doctors in Illinois. He was a little senile... not much. I never spent much time with him. I was too busy. Finally, when I got around to seeing him, he didn't recognize me. Till the day he died, he didn't know who the hell I was.”
Héctor Elizondo - Charlie Gargas

“You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row.”
Lance Armstrong - Himself

“- Fuzzy: Is your father dead?
- Dr. Wilbur Larch: Cirrhosis. It's a disease of the liver.
- Fuzzy: What, a liver killed him?
- Dr. Wilbur Larch: No, alcohol killed him. He drank himself to death.”
Erik Per Sullivan - Fuzzy
Sir Michael Caine - Dr. Wilbur Larch

“I've got cancer? Oh god, I'm going to go bald and have to eat macrobiotic food!”
Rachel Griffiths - Rhonda Epinstalk

“Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of dandruff compared to me!”
Laurence Fishburne - Thrax

“- Thurman Rice: There's a cure for syphilis... and it's called abstinence.
- Alfred Kinsey: Penicillin works just as well!”
Tim Curry - Thurman Rice
Liam Neeson - Alfred Kinsey

“Well, you'll certainly be in my prayers tonight. And I'll be praying you get nut cancer!”
Swoosie Kurtz - Mrs. Livingston

“AIDS. Homosexual. Gay. Lesbian. You think these are names that tell you who a person sleeps with, but they don't tell you that.”

Al Pacino - Roy Cohn

You know this "Hell on Earth" business? Big fucking deal - I've got hemmorhoids.
Thomas Haden Church - Roach

“- Joseph: You're gorgeous when you blush. Like a wild flower.
- Georgette: It's my dyspepsia.”
Dominique Pinon - Joseph
Isabelle Nanty - Georgette

“- Judge: Mrs. Malnorowski, there is no smoking in this courtoom.
- Hatchet's Mother: I pay taxes on cigarettes, don't I? And what do I get for those taxes? Happiness? Hell no! I get tuberculosis!”
Robert Walsh - Judge
Mink Stole - Hatchet's Mother

“Can you get an STD from a polar bear?”
Zach Galifianakis - Luke

“- David Freeman: What's this?
- Max: A very unpleasant creature.
- David Freeman: What's his problem?
- Max: He has a cold.”

Joey Cramer - David Freeman
Paul Reubens - Max

“You come with me to Room 1013 over at the hospital and I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy, and mean. I live in America. I don't have to love it.”

Jeffrey Wright - Belize

“- Peter MacMannus: You are the best friend a guy with twenty diagnosed neuroses ever had.
- Catcher Block: We've been friends a long time... I knew you when you only had twelve.”
David Hyde Pierce - Peter MacMannus
Ewan McGregor - Catcher Block

“- Lincoln Hawk: You know, if you're hungry, there's a great place up here for good steak. What do you say we stop?
- Michael Cutler: Sir, you're going to be the victim of cholesterol poisoning. Later in life, you'll just start to rot away.
- Lincoln Hawk: You're just full of good humor, aren't ya Mike?”
Sylvester Stallone - Lincoln Hawk
David Mendenhall - Michael Cutler

Sometimes I see myself dancing, and I think... "Wow! Oh, boy! I don't have ALS after all. It's a big mistake. It's all part of a lovely fantasy". But just for a minute.
Jack Lemmon - Morrie Schwartz

“- Lucifer: If you pop a zit on your forehead you can get blood poisoning and die, you know.
- Dark: Lucifer, you are so dumb you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.”
Kathleen Robertson - Lucifer
James Duval - Dark