Disease quotes

“It's like there's some kind of a hallucinatory flu going around. People seem to get over it in a day or two. All I can do is treat the symptoms.”
Leonard Nimoy - Dr. David Kibner

“- Commander Clement: What happened?
- Betty: Plague!
- Commander Clement: Plague?
- Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.
- Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!
- Betty: He fell on it.”

Eric Idle - Commander Clement
Madeline Kahn - Betty

“You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise God!”
Malcom McDowell - Alex (A Clockwork Orange)

“I started hallucinating, and developed a tumor. I believe the visions caused the tumor, and not the other way around.”
Jack Creley - Brian O'Blivion

“- Nick Frescia: How's our friend?
- Woody: Fine.
- Nick Frescia: Fine?
- Woody: Aside from a concussion, powder burns, and being generally pissed off, yeah.”
Kurt Russell - Frescia
Kenny Moore - Woody

“- E.R. Nurse: Patient complains of knife in head.
- FH: Stabbing headache?”
Yvette Mercedes - E.R. Nurse
Billy Crudup - FH

“- Lady Customer: Really? Stomach cramps? But it's such a good buy.
- Paul Bland: Is lighter fluid at three ninety-five a pint but I wouldn't serve it to my dinner guests.”

Lynn Hobart - Lady Customer
Paul Bartel - Paul Bland

- Amber Atkins: Mom? Mom?
- Fireman: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you family?
- Loretta: No, she's just yelling "mom, mom" because she has Tourettes! She's Annette's kid dipshit.

Kirsten Dunst - Amber Atkins
Jeff Tatum - Fireman
Allison Janney - Loretta

“- Jimmy: I've got you now.
- Carole: I don't want to catch anything.”
Tony London - Jimmy
Emily Moore - Carole

“- Louis: Well, you've done it to yourself this time, haven't you?
- Jacob: Am I dying, Louie?
- Louis: From a slipped disk? That'll be a first.”
Danny Aiello - Louis
Tim Robbins - Jacob

“- Henry: Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.
- Beth: Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!
- Henry: No... Yes, but that's not the point. ”
David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman
Janeane Garofalo - Beth

“- Abe: I'm glad you came, doctor. Maybe you can tell me what's wrong with my hand - it's been like this for a month.
- Lisa: Have you tried soaking it in melted butter?”
Alan King - Abe
JoBeth Williams - Lisa

“You know why Jewish girls don't get AIDS? They only marry assholes, they don't screw 'em!”
Bob Eubanks - Himself

“- Danny Muldoon: Theresa is probably a little nervous, you know, being here with us and all. You know, you can understand that.
- Rose Muldoon: It's the first signs of alcoholism.
- Danny Muldoon: What?
- Rose Muldoon: I read it in Reader's Digest.
- Theresa Luna: Rose, I can assure you I'm not an alcoholic.
- Rose Muldoon: Denial - that's...” (continue)(continue reading)

John Candy - Danny Muldoon
Maureen O'Hara - Rose Muldoon
Ally Sheedy - Theresa Luna

“This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis!”
Jonah Hill - Sherman Schrader

“- Caroline: Adam your heart is diseased! You need a new one.
- Adam: But this is my heart! I'm afraid that if they take it away I won't be able to love you the same.”
Marisa Tomei - Caroline
Christian Slater - Adam

“Well, Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day.”
Ryan Reynolds - Monty

“- Harry Binelli: That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.
- Gordon Miller: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.
- Harry Binelli: Oh, those were the happy days!”
Chico Marx - Harry Binelli
Groucho Marx - Gordon Miller

“- Claire Spencer: She doesn't answer the door, but her car is sitting in the garage.
- Norman Spencer: Maybe she was out. Or in bed with the flu. Or maybe she was abducted by aliens for all we know.”
Michelle Pfeiffer - Claire Spencer
Harrison Ford - Norman Spencer

“- Susan Morton: Michael. I'm not well, I have cancer.
- Michael Blake: Is it bad?
- Susan Morton: No, it's the good kind.”
Nancy Travis - Susan Morton
Scott Bairstow - Michael Blake

“When I pray to God, I don't ask him to eradicate disease. I pray that he sends me something that I haven't seen. I'm half kidding.”
David Duchovny - Dr. Eugene Sands

“- Ray: Today Denny got bit by a rat. We had to give him rabies shot.
- Frenchy: Who, the rat?”
Woody Allen - Ray
Tracey Ullman - Frenchy

“When my son was born healthy, I never asked why. Why was I so lucky? What did I do to deserve this perfect child, this perfect life? But when he got sick, you can bet I asked why. I demanded to know why. Why was this happening?”
Ruth Nelson - Mrs. Lowe

“- Dr. Granada - Psychiatrist: Dr. Nelson told me about your father. He committed suicide not long ago.
- Milly: He did not.
- Dr. Granada - Psychiatrist: How did he die?
- Milly: My father had cancer. And when he found out that he had it... he didn't want the rest of the family to suffer needlessly. So one day, he kissed us all goodbye and he...” (continue)(continue reading)
Louise Fletcher - Dr. Granada - Psychiatrist
Lucy Deakins - Milly

“Since accident, Malvert sometimes pee red. Sex kills. Sex kills.”
The Stick - Malvert the Janitor