Humor quotes

“Fifty percent of what people say when they are joking is true, which means, you do wanna go to this wedding but you are too afraid to admit it. So, by making some sort of joke about it, you get to say what you really want without being vulnerable.”
Christina Applegate - Courtney Rockcliffe

“Oh, my God, it's Bartles or James. Dude, which one are you?”

Pauly Shore - Crawl

“Eddie. The guys and I were talking, we'd like want to invite you to our card game on Friday night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you can't cut!”

Biff Yeager - George

“- Henry Denton: You Brits really don't have a sense of humor do you?
- Elsie: We do if something's funny, sir.”
Ryan Phillippe - Henry Denton
Emily Watson - Elsie

“- Brianna: Excuse me. My name's Brianna Wallace, as in the Wallace department store Wallace. What's your name?
- Jordan: Jordan Landers, as in the Landers hardware store Landers.
- Brianna: A sense of humour. Cute.”
Megan Fox - Brianna
Ben Easter - Jordan

“- Saavik: Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
- James T. Kirk: We learn by doing.”
Kirstie Alley - Saavik
William Shatner - James T. Kirk

Well, there were these two old boys and they hung their peckers off a bridge to piss. One old boy from California, the other from Arkansas. The old boy from California says "Boy, this water's cold", and the old boy from Arkansas says "Yeah, and it's deep too". Get it?
Rick Dial - Bill Cox

“- Brian: Should we let it breathe?
- Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it.”
Tom Cruise - Brian Flanagan
Bryan Brown - Doug Coughlin

“Let us pretend that we are in the drawing room and the hostess is serving tea. Now many numerous little questions confront us. Should the man rise when he accepts his cup of tea? May lump sugar be taken with the fingers? No. Is it good form to accept a second cup? Should the napkin be entirely unfolded or should the centre crease be allowed to...” (continue)(continue reading)

Vincent Price - The Inventor

“- James Bond: If you're Q, does that make him R?
- R: Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.”

Pierce Brosnan - James Bond
John Marwood Cleese - R

“Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?”

Walter Matthau - Max Goldman

“- Charlie Arglist: Whose thumb is this?
- Vic Cavanaugh: Oh yeah, Roy. Good news: Charlie brought your thumb.”

John Cusack - Charlie Arglist
Billy Bob Thornton - Vic Cavanaugh

“- Merry Noel Blake: You, darling Aunt Liz. After whom my daughter has chosen to craft her formative years. You no doubt find it amusing her little affair with a car thief.
- Liz Hamilton: He stole a car?
- Merry Noel Blake: He's addicted to the practice.
- Merry Noel Blake: Hmmm... maybe he can get me a Mercedes...
- Liz Hamilton: I'm sure Debby...” (continue)(continue reading)
Candice Bergen - Merry Noel Blake
Jacqueline Bisset - Liz Hamilton

“Enjoyin' the ride? Man, it's a fast car, huh? Man, it's a classic. Old school. American muscle. Man, this car can do all kinda things, man. Wanna see?”

Tyrese Gibson - Roman Pearce

“All I know about walruses is that, out of all mammals, they have the second largest penis. I have the first.”
Dan Aykroyd - Dr. Keats

“I travel light. That's a joke, Mark. You humans - there's just no sense of humor.”
Kevin Spacey - Prot

“- 2nd Lt. Jerry Cimino: They're shooting at us. How come every time we fly over they shoot guns at us?
- David Halloran: Because we drop bombs on them.
- 2nd Lt. Jerry Cimino: They have no sense of humor. Can't you guys take a joke?”
Richard Masur - 2nd Lieut. Jerry Cimino
Harrison Ford - David Halloran

“- Connor: Jeez! It's a fuckin' six-shooter. Fuck!
- Murphy: There's nine bodies, genius.
- Connor: What the fuck were you gonna do, laugh the last three to death, Funny-Man?”
Sean Patrick Flanery - Connor MacManus
Norman Reedus - Murphy MacManus

We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting”. The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick!… That's a direct quote, sir.
Forest Whitaker - Edward Garlick

“- Crawl: Where are you from?
- Becca: South Dakota.
- Crawl: Fresh off the farm, oh my God, I can't believe it. Right across the hallway. Hallelujah. So you're inbred?
- Becca: What?
- Crawl: You know, where your mom's your dad, and your dad's your brother.”
Pauly Shore - Crawl
Carla Gugino - Rebecca Warner

“- Courtney: I flew accross that bathroom so fast, and you got fucked in the eye. How could you not know what a glory hole is?
- Christina: Well unlike my whore friend Courtney Rockcliff, I don't usually spend much time in men's public bathrooms. You could at least show some compassion.
- Courtney: Ok I'm sorry let's have a look. Well it looks...” (continue)(continue reading)
Christina Applegate - Courtney Rockcliffe
Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters

“- Diana Barrie: Give me a drink. You have the most bizarre sense of humor.
- Sidney Cochran: Bizarre people often do!”
Maggie Smith - Diana Barrie
Sir Michael Caine - Sidney Cochran

“x”

Jamison Newlander - Alan Frog

“- Young Bill Denbrough: Richie, will you please shut up?
- Young Richie Tozier: You know you don't stutter all the time?”
Jonathan Brandis - Young Bill Denbrough
Seth Green - Young Richie Tozier

“We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor!”
Sir Kenneth Branagh - Dr. Arliss Loveless