Humor quotes

“It's useful being top banana in the shock department.”
Audrey Hepburn - Holly Golightly

“Now the crooner is becoming the comic!”
Danny Kaye - Phil Davis

“- Casey Schuler: How many brain cells did I kill?
- Sam Daniels: How many? About a billion.
- Casey Schuler: Oh, now I'm only as smart as you.
- Sam Daniels: What can we give him to kill his sense of humor?”
Kevin Spacey - Casey Schuler
Dustin Hoffman - Sam Daniels

“- Crawl: Hey, you'll be happy to know that as soon as you left, I popped your daughter's trunk!
- Walter: Oh, shit.”
Pauly Shore - Crawl
Lane Smith - Walter Warner

“- Gilbert: Bobby, how's business?
- Bobby: Oh, not good... nobody's dying.”
Johnny Depp - Gilbert Grape
Crispin Glover - Bobby McBurney

“I wish I had a sense of humor, but I can never think of the right thing to say until everybody's gone home.”
Carole Lombard - Irene Bullock

“To overcome life's obstacles you need faith, hope and, above all, a sense of humor.”
Rini Bell - Graduation Speaker

“You can never lose your sense of humor. Without that, you've got nothing.”
Jim Belushi - Det. Frank Divinci

“- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Is this a gag?
- Fred: This is a government agency... you know we don't have a sense of humor.”
Charles Grodin - Ira Parks
Robert Guillaume - Fred

- Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?
- Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.
- Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not... (continue)(continue reading)
Dick Van Dyke - Bert
Ed Wynn - Uncle Albert

“The Royal Navy is not a humorous institution, sir, and insubordination is no laughing matter.”
Philip Anthony Hopkins - Lieutenant William Bligh

“- Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
- Henry Hill: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
- Tommy...” (continue)(continue reading)

Joe Pesci - Tommy DeVito
Ray Liotta - Henry Hill

“Don't worry, 'cause I've been house trained.”

Giovanni Ribisi - Danny

“- Hannah Stubbs: I see that it's funny. I have a sense of humor.
- Barney: Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't.”
Joan Cusack - Hannah Stubbs
Rick Moranis - Barney Coopersmith

“- Mary Poppins: Why, it's the most disgraceful sight I've ever seen, or my name isn't Mary Poppins.
- Bert: Speakin' o' names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
- Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?”

Julie Andrews - Mary Poppins
Dick Van Dyke - Bert
Ed Wynn - Uncle Albert

“You do have a sense of humor! I was beginning to think you had it surgically removed.”

Nick Nolte - Tom Wingo

“You will soon take a giant 12-inch cock up your ass. In bed. I don't know, somehow... it didn't make mine any funnier.”

Sarah Polley - Harper Sloane

“I am going to be very fat, and you are gonna love it!”

Elisabeth Shue - Jordan Mooney

“- Phil Davis: How can you stop an angry dog from biting you on Monday?
- Betty Haynes: That joke is old. The answer is to kill the dog on Sunday!
- Phil Davis: That's not the way to stop a dog from biting you on Monday!
- Betty Haynes: How would you bring the thing about?
- Phil Davis: Have the doggy's teeth pulled out!”
Danny Kaye - Phil Davis
Rosemary Clooney - Betty Haynes

“Mr. Watson, I am not a humorless man, but if you insist on taking up my class time making jokes, please see to it that they are funny.”
James Earl Jones - Professor Banks

“- Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.
- Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Come on I wanna lay ya.
- Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.”
Burgess Meredith - Grandpa Gustafson
Ann Morgan Guilbert - Mama Ragetti

“- Fatima Blush: Maximillian, why torture yourself over that kind of woman?
- Largo: Maybe one day you have to kill her, Fatima.
- Fatima Blush: Your sense of humor is delicious!”
Barbara Carrera - Fatima
Klaus Maria Brandauer - Maximilian Largo

I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say. "This news isn't official”, "That comment is too sarcastic”. I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of!
Robin Williams - Adrian Cronauer

“Look... it could be worse, you could have been Riki Zuela.”
Joe Pantoliano - Bob Keane

“- Lisa: Throw me a lifesaver!
- Phyllis Nefler: No problem! Butterscotch or Wintergreen?”
Karen Kopins - Lisa
Shelley Lee Long - Phyllis Nefler