Sarcasm quotes

“Always hard to find, like love, Waldo, a good Chinese restaurant…”
Danny DeVito - Chesterfield

“The only surprise I like is to not be surprised.”
Wallace Shawn - Mr. Woodley

“Okay, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.”
Kunal Nayyar - Raj Koothrappali

“I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.”
Jim Parsons - Sheldon Cooper

“I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!”
Jake Johnson - Nick Miller

“Ross, just for my own peace of mind, you’re not married to any more of us are you?”
Matthew Perry - Chandler Bing

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”
Maggie Smith - Violet Crawley

“- Pat Candy: Jane Bodine.
- Jane: Pat.
- Pat Candy: So, what you're doing here? I thought you retired, or gave up or something.
- Jane: What happened to your hair?
- Pat Candy: So you still got a great sense of humor.”
Billy Bob Thornton - Pat Candy
Sandra Bullock - Jane

“- SAS SGT: There's more than 100 terrorists in there!
- Mike Banning: Yeah? Well, they should've brought more men.”
Bryan Larkin - SAS Lieutenant
Gerard Butler - Mike Banning

“Mediocre, Morsov! Mediocre!”

Josh Helman - Slit

“- Judy Hopps: What is your problem? Does seeing me fail somehow make you feel better about your sad, miserable life?
- Nick Wilde: It does, 100%.”
Ginnifer Goodwin - Judy Hopps
Jason Bateman - Nick Wilde

“So not knowing who we're meeting tonight is gonna make me extra effective. That's okay, I get it. I got shit to do. You'll probably be fine. why don't I go get you a nice dress to be buried in? Dumb ass.”
Melissa McCarthy - Susan Cooper

“- Gordon Bombay: Now here's the long and the short of it: I hate hockey and I don't like kids.
- Peter Mark: What's this supposed to be, a pep talk?
- Gordon Bombay: I'm sure this will be a real bonding experience. One day, maybe one of you will write a book about it in jail.”
Emilio Estevez - Gordon Bombay
J.D. Daniels - Peter

“- Lesley: I'm pathetic. You know, I've dreamt of being a Broadway actress since I was a little kid. And now I'm here. And I'm not a Broadway actress. I'm still just a little kid. And I keep waiting for someone to tell me I made it.
- Laura: [Sincerely] Hey. You made it.
- Lesley: I did?
- Laura: Sadly it was with Mike Shiner, on a fake motel bed.”
Naomi Watts - Lesley
Andrea Riseborough - Laura

“- Tony Stark: What's the vibranium for?
- Ultron: [Sarcastic] I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan...”

Robert Downey Jr. - Tony Stark
James Spader - Ultron

“- Steve Jobs: You didn't have seconds, you had three weeks. The universe was created in a third of that time.
- Andy Hertzfeld: Well, someday you'll have to tell us how you did it.”
Michael Fassbender - Steve Jobs
Michael Stuhlbarg - Andy Hertzfeld

- Jerry Heller: What's NWA stand for, anyway? "No Whites Allowed", something like that? [chuckles]
- Eazy-E: No... Niggaz Wit' Attitudes.
Paul Giamatti - Jerry Heller
Jason Mitchell - Eazy-E

“- Ronda Rousey: You couldn't last 30 seconds with me if your life depended on it. I could really hurt you, Turtle.
- Turtle: So I last 30 seconds, you let me take you out on a proper date.
- Ronda Rousey: Last 60 seconds and I'll let you fuck me.”

Ronda Rousey - Ronda
Jerry Ferrara - Turtle

“You go and ask the studio how they would like having to reshoot this movie without me because for better or for worse [shouting] I am Spartacus!”
Dean O'Gorman - Kirk Douglas

“Seriously guys. If the consoluate ordered a pizza it would've been there by now.”
Pablo Schreiber - Kris 'Tanto' Paronto

“- Beca Mitchell: We're going to kick your ass.
- Female Das Sound Machine Leader: I'm sorry, I don't speak loser. What did you say?
- Male Das Sound Machine Leader: She actually speaks eight languages but 'loser' is not one of them.”
Anna Kendrick - Beca
Allie Feder - Female Das Sound Machine Leader
Andrew Fitzpatrick - Male Das Sound Machine Leader

“I can't, can I? I'm a club owner. You know what I mean? I can pick a nice model, all right, in a nice colour, but I'm not very good at anything else. I'm not a mechanic, am I? I'm more of a... a gangster.”

Tom Hardy - Reggie Kray

“- Mike Banning: I was wondering when you were gonna come out of the closet.
- Benjamin Asher: That's not funny.”
Gerard Butler - Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart - Benjamin Asher

“- Charlie Holloway: Um, Miss Vickers, is there an agenda that you're not telling us about?
- Meredith Vickers: My company paid a trillion dollars to find this place and to bring you here. Had you raised the monies yourself, Mr. Holloway, we'd happily be pursuing your agenda. But you didn't. And that makes you an employee.”
Logan Marshall-Green - Charlie Holloway
Charlize Theron - Meredith Vickers

Before you have a kid, everyone tells you, "It's the best thing you'll ever do." And as soon as you get the baby back from the hospital, those same people are like, "Don't worry, it gets better."
Adam Horovitz - Fletcher