Sex quotes

“- Suzanne: Do you guys have sour balls?
- Convenience Store Clerk: Why sure we do.
- Suzanne: Too bad. I bet you don't get many blow jobs.”
Linnea Quigley - Suzanne

“- Olive: I could have chlamydia. I have been whoring around a lot.
- Mrs. Griffith: No, honey. No, you haven't. Because a real whore can't even admit it to herself, let alone another person.”

Emma Stone - Olive
Lisa Kudrow - Mrs. Griffith

“Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.”

Krystle Mataras - Rina
Tiffany Mataras - Tina

“- Young Bridesmaid: What's bonking?
- Scarlett: Well, it's kinda like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.”
Hannah Taylor Gordon - Young Bridesmaid - Wedding Two
Charlotte Coleman - Scarlett - Wedding One

“I can't believe I'm fucking a big purple elephant!”
Selma Blair - Jane Burns

“- Dr. Eisendrath: You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is impotent?
- Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Why don't you ask who's frigid?
- Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him also.”
Earl Boen - Dr. Eisendrath
Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“- Carol: Why don't we make it a threesome, huh?
- Max: Can't you see he's got other plans for tonight?
- Carol: Well, bring her along! We'll make it a foursome!”

Tuesday Weld - Carol
James Woods - Max

“- Billie Frank: You know, I don't usually do this.
- Julian Dice: I can tell.”

Mariah Carey - Billie Frank
Max Beesley - Julian Dice

- Katy: Hey, Droz, how 'bout this: tonight, at the Pit, "everyone gets laid".
- James 'Droz' Andrews: It's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I love it.

Megan Ward - Katy
Jeremy Piven - James 'Droz' Andrews

“See, that's the problem. I can't find a man that can satisfy me. Now some guys go an hour, hour in a half, that's it. A man's gotta put in overtime for me to get off.”

Mary Bond Davis - Big Stank Woman

“I should have had you wear double condoms. Well, we shouldn't have done it in the first place, but if you ever do it again, which as a favor to women everywhere, you should not, but if you do, you should be wearing condom on condom, and then wrap it in electrical tape. You should just walk around always inside a great big condom because you are...” (continue)(continue reading)

Carey Mulligan - Jean

“It's all set. Noleen and her bayou queens. Just a little something for morale. And let me add, Sergeant, that these women are expecting some, uh, small unit military penetration.”

Keith Carradine - Spencer

“A woman's juices are the best disinfectant.”
Anna Ammirati - Lola

“- Jane's Aunt: Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you.
- Jane: Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and I feel so much better!”
Jennifer Bassey - Jane's Aunt
Katherine Heigl - Jane

My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus!".
Sarah Stafford - Girl #1

“- Dionna: I know he loves me, but... I think I disappoint him.
- Ruby: So, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to tell you how to fuck your husband?”
Mira Sorvino - Dionna
Jennifer Esposito - Ruby

“Angel Vs. Farris. Who ever loses there virginity first wins!”
Krista Errickson - Cinder

“- Bernard: How is the sex?
- Dawn Campbell: The sex?
- Brad Stand: Come on, guys. Come on. That's private.
- Dawn Campbell: That's gross.
- Vivian: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.”
Dustin Hoffman - Bernard
Naomi Watts - Dawn Campbell
Jude Law - Brad Stand
Lily Tomlin - Vivian

“- Lieutenant William Bligh: My dear God. I had hoped to avoid this.
- Fletcher Christian Master's Mate: Avoid what, sir?
- Lieutenant William Bligh: Damn it all, man. I'm expected to sleep with her. She's one of King Tynah's wives. A gift from one chief to another, as it were. Now look, five minutes after I go below you must call me up on some...” (continue)(continue reading)
Philip Anthony Hopkins - Lieutenant William Bligh
Mel Gibson - Fletcher Christian Master's Mate

“Terri likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from the hotel.”
Gary Sinise - Commander Kevin Dunne

“Porsche, it's a little too small to get laid in, but you get laid the minute you get out.”
Paul Bates - Robles

“- The Ghost: Look, l'm sorry. l should never have stayed in a client's house. lt always ends up with...
- Ruth Lang: With you fucking the client's wife?”
Ewan McGregor - The Ghost
Olivia Williams - Ruth Lang

“- Richie Tozier: What are you saying, Eddie? You're still a virgin?
- Eddie Kaspbrak: Yeah.
- Richie Tozier: Well I can't help you there, pal.”
Harry Anderson - Richie Tozier
Dennis Christopher - Eddie Kaspbrak

“- Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
- Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of...” (continue)(continue reading)
Linda Fiorentino - Bethany
Chris Rock - Rufus

“If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass - just be honest about it. Look, Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.”

H. Jon Benjamin - Can of vegetables