Sex quotes

“- Mark: What time is it?
- Mark's Girlfriend: It's time for the organ transplant and you're the donor and I'm the recipient.
- Mark: No, really. What time is it?”

Mike Coady - Mark
Staci Gordon - Mark's Girlfriend

“- Ry: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.
- Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.”

Ryan Dunn - Ry
Bam Margera - Valo

“- Enid: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
- Rebecca: And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?”
Thora Birch - Enid
Scarlett Johansson - Rebecca

“- Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male.
- Jesse Montgomery III: What does that mean?
[Tania reveals her penis]
- Jesse Montgomery III: Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!”
Teressa Tunney - Tania
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III

“We're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.”
Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein

- Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?".
- TS Quint: She didn't!
- Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.
Jason Lee - Brodie
Jeremy London - TS Quint

“- Doug Bigelow: Roger, you were underwater in that Jacuzzi for five straight minutes.
- Roger Mortis: That's right, I was.
- Doug Bigelow: Can you teach my girlfriend how to do that?”
Joe Piscopo - Doug Bigelow
Treat Williams - Roger Mortis

“- Joe: Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.
- Steffi: Madeline was a nymphomaniac!
- Joe: Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity. You know, I didn't happen to see it.”
Woody Allen - Joe
Goldie Hawn - Steffi

“- Helen: You did these things right here? In my house?
- Julie: Well, I thought someone in this house ought to be having sex. I mean with something that doesn't require batteries.”
Dianne Wiest - Helen
Martha Plimpton - Julie

“Hey guys, welcome to the party. If you're gonna have sex, please... do it in my parents' bedroom.”
Rob Benedict - Preston Wasserstein

“- Andy: How do we do it?
- Debbie: First we take our clothes off, and then you get on top of me or I can get on top of you.
- Andy: I know how to do it. I mean, how do we do it in a hammock?
- Debbie: I think you can figure something out.
- Andy: I'll think of something!”
Jeffrey Rogers - Andy
Tracie Savage - Debbie

“- Bob Wilson: I didn't know you smoked.
- Nick Pirandello: Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up.
- Bob Wilson: Well, at least you don't smoke that much.
- Nick Pirandello: About a pack a day.”
John Ritter - Bob Wilson
Jim Belushi - Nick Pirandello

“I made love to your mother about half an hour ago, and now I'm beginning to think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea.”

Thomas Jay Ryan - Henry Fool

“My sister, who swiped every guy I ever had my eye on, has now swiped the last guy in the whole freaked out world!”
Kelli Maroney - Samantha Belmont

“- Evelyn Kelcher: Is Charlie pressuring you into doing things you don't think you should be doing?
- Peggy Sue: What do you mean?
- Evelyn Kelcher: Peggy, you know what a penis is? Stay away from it!”
Barbara Harris - Evelyn Kelcher
Kathleen Turner - Peggy Sue

“Sex makes people crazy.”
Ian Michael Smith - Simon Birch

“- Topper Harley: I'm no good at being noble, but... do you have any idea what would happen if you stay here with me?
- Ramada Rodham Hayman: Of course I do. Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex. I would fondle you in ways you can't imagine. I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way, for as long as you could possibly desire.”
Charlie Sheen - Topper Harley
Valeria Golino - Ramada Rodham Hayman

“This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.”
Val Kilmer - Chris Knight

“I am sexually paranoid.”
John Simm - Jip

“Why do guys like to do it in front of a mirror? Because objects appear larger than they actually are.”
Mel Gibson - Nick Marshall

“Ever have sex in a Mercedes? Convertible.”
David Schwimmer - Max Abbitt

“Terrorists?
[Dante shakes his head]
I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
[Dante nods]
Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?”

Jeff Anderson - Randal

“- Marion: Why have you stopped sleeping with me?
- Ken: We are simply going through a less active period, that's all. Its not uncommon.
- Marion: Why? I just want to know why?
- Ken: Why don't we just go to bed.
- Marion: There was a time that we were dying to be together.
- Ken: Marion, you're still the most desirable woman that I know.”
Gena Rowlands - Marion
Sir Ian Holm - Ken

“- Samantha Swoboda: We better crash at your guys' place for a while in case they come after us.
- Miles Kitchen: Oh sure. 'Hi Mom, Dad. This fourteen-year-old girl, she's just sleeping over tonight. Don't mind me, I'll be upstairs, in my room, entering puberty!'. Are you nuts?”
Jessica Alba - Samantha Swaboda
Kenneth A. Brown - Miles Kitchen

“- Sam Callahan: Do you practice sex with Dothan?
- Maurey Pierce: Of course not, silly. He's my boyfriend.”
Bug Hall - Sam Callahan
Mischa Barton - Maurey Pierce