Steve Martin movie quotes

“All dames are alike: they reach down your throat so they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, and they step on it with their high heels, they spit on it, shove it in the oven and they cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and they serve it to you. And they expect...” (continue)(continue reading)
Steve Martin - Rigby Reardon

“I believe sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
Steve Martin

“Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”
Steve Martin

“Five o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels.”
Steve Martin - Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli

“- Lucky Day: Dusty, how do you like your bat?
- Dusty Bottoms: Medium rare.”

Steve Martin - Lucky Day
Chevy Chase - Dusty Bottoms

- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: There it is, darling. Your new home. The House of Hfuhruhurr.
- Dolores: What are those assholes doing on the porch?
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced "azaleas".

Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr
Kathleen Turner - Dolores Benedict

“- Catherine: I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of those people that's only good on the phone. In person you just blame everybody. You made a mistake at the office, you gave out the address! Did I blame you? No! I blamed the Santa Anas! I don't even know what the Santa Anas are!
- Philip: They're the dry winds that blow in from the...
-...” (continue)(continue reading)
Rita Wilson - Catherine
Steve Martin - Philip

“- Iris: How long have you been a lonely guy?
- Larry: Is it that noticeable? What is it that gave me away?
- Iris: I know phony sweat when I smell it. When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird.”

Judith Ivey - Iris
Steve Martin - Larry

“You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
Steve Martin

- Anne Uumellmahaye: Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you.
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head? Sorry, I forgot. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most complete woman I've ever known. All my life, I wanted women with great bodies, women who were "Tens". Now, for the first time, I'm aroused by a mind.
Sissy Spacek - Anne Uumellmahaye
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr

“He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.”

Steve Martin - Navin

“All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off.”
Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher

“- Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
- Gil: Oh?
- Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
- Gil: What a great story.
- Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all...” (continue)(continue reading)
Helen Shaw - Grandma
Steve Martin - Gil

“- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't inject you with window cleaner.
- Fran: I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It causes your brain to die last.
- Fran: I don't mind.”
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr
Randi Brooks - Fran

“Some of these buildings are over 20 years old.”

Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher

“- Navin: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
- Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
- Navin: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73: Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day!”
Steve Martin - Navin
Jackie Mason - Harry Hartounian

“A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.”
Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher

“Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?”
Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher

“- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You have something against books?
- Hannah Stubbs: I have nothing about books! I am curious about the books in your trunk.
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You see, I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought this one on how to do it.
- Hannah Stubbs: Why do you need 25 copies of it?
- Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli:...” (continue)(continue reading)

Steve Martin - Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli
Joan Cusack - Hannah Stubbs

“Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.”
Steve Martin - Davis

“The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser.”
Steve Martin - Navin

“- Miss Piggy: You mad, impetuous thing, it's champagne!
- Insolent Waiter: Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho.”
Frank Oz - Miss Piggy
Steve Martin - Insolent Waiter

- Neal Page: Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual.
- Del Griffith: Unique... what's that, Latin for "asshole"?
Steve Martin - Neal Page
John Candy - Del Griffith

“Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!”
Steve Martin - Freddy Benson

“I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you like the blue man in the Chagall, hanging over you in a delirious kiss.”

Steve Martin - C. D. Bales